Children should feel safe at school

No child should be sad at school.

A happy relaxed child is a learning child. Bullying robs our children (the bully, the bullied and the bystander) of self-respect and self-confidence. As school resumes, let’s look at some of the things parents, children and educators need to know to ensure a successful and happy school year.

New York state has made bullying a criminal act. To simplify it, it begins with the language children use. The words “fat” and “gay” are supposed to be closely monitored at school, as they are put-downs. One of the reasons is the fact that this is what leads to a “bully-victim.” This means that the child who has been bullied with these words (or other words used to upset them) now starts expressing bullying communication styles. If this grows, it can lead to the acts of violence we have seen across the country where the victim erupts. Depending on the personality and emotional makeup of the child this will determine how serious the acting out will become.

Cyberbullying (bullying through electronics) is on the rapid rise. It occurs when children start using bullying techniques to have far reaching effects on other students. Many times a child returns to school on Monday and cannot figure out the change in attitude of peer groups. This is due to the fact that they have no idea what went on over the weekend on the Internet. A larger problem will develop if parents are unaware of what their children are doing on the computer, cell phone, etc.

Computers should be able to be viewed by a parent or adult at all times. Cell phone monitoring including text messaging and pictures taken and forwarded is very important. Most of this type of bullying can be prevented (or at least lowered) when parents and adults are aware of what is happening.

Unfortunately, the subject of bullying is very misunderstood and is often confused with teasing. Many people consider it a rite of passage and it is not.

Children must be taught basic skills at a very young age. They need to know how to handle a bully — using “power words” such as oh, so, okay, what, whatever and thank you. Next, they should walk away. When a child has the same peer bullying them about three times, a teacher or school adult should be informed. However, the first time a child has been physically hurt an adult must be told. When a bully approaches, it’s important to stay three feet away, never show that you feel scared, do not enter into a conversation or the bully will escalate the situation. That’s when you use the “power words” and leave.

The major form of bullying is exclusion. Therefore, we must instill in our young people the importance of acceptance not tolerance when they are interacting with their peer group. Acceptance is the open hand — we may not like everything about each other, but we can find a common bond. Tolerance is a closed fist — I have to put up with you.

There are many signs that your child is a victim of bullying, Children rarely talk about this to adults. So here are some signs: children find excuses not to go to school, they suddenly stop inviting other children to your home, they are more quiet than usual and avoid speaking about their social part of their school day. If they are being cyberbullied, they do not want you to see their computer or cell phone. Should your child tell you he or she is being bullied, call your school and set up a meeting with the teacher or principal. Your choice depends on the person you feel most comfortable speaking with.

Many times parents suspect their child is the bully and they are not sure how to handle the situation. The first step is to stay calm and express the fact that you are concerned that they may be acting in a bullying manner. Explain that bullying can be turned around to learn how to be a leader rather than a bully. It is imperative that you make your child take personal responsibility for all words and actions.

Remember the most dangerous sentence is “Not my child.” Watch, listen, stay calm and keep the doors of communication open both with the child and the school.

No child should be sad at school.