Are We Friends?

Of course the relationship is not the same. Still, on many levels, spouses expect to relate to each other the same way they relate to their friends. Why not? It makes sense. You like your friends; you like your spouse. Why shouldn’t it all work out?

But it rarely does. And the primary reason for this is that women and men typically experience their friendships differently. Men’s friendships have been described as “side-by-side,” women’s as “face-to-face.” Let me explain. Typically men’s friendships are focused on their mutual involvement in an activity. Often it’s sports or a common interest. They interact “side-by-side” with their friends — watching a game, doing an activity, betting on a sport, even arguing about their common interest. The activity is the common bond that keeps the relationship going. Ask a man what he likes about his friends and his response will typically emphasize the ‘doing’ — going to sporting events, playing ball together, joining in a card game, joking around.

It’s a different story for women. Typically women interact with their friends “face-to-face,” chatting about their personal lives. The main activity is talking — about events in their lives, feelings they have, problems they’re facing, people they know. Ask a woman what she likes about her friends and her response will typically emphasize the emotional component: she’s a good listener, she’s supportive, she’s non-judgmental, she’s fun to talk to.

Now what happens when men and women relate to each other the way they do with their own gender? Confusion! Here’s an example:

He’s enjoying an afternoon at home spent watching his favorite football team. She keeps him company for awhile, then busies herself with other things. He’s feeling contented. His friendship pattern is working. He’s “side-by-side” with her, sharing his excitement by exclaiming, “Watch this play — it’s incredible!”

Meanwhile, she’s distressed that they haven’t spent any time together. When she shares this with him, he’s surprised. “What are you talking about,” he protests. “We’ve been together the whole day. What’s the problem?”

She’s stewing. “What do you mean we’ve been together? Your eyes are glued to the TV. You haven’t looked at me. You haven’t spoken to me all day. It’s like you don’t even know I’m here. Her face-to-face friendship expectation is clearly not being met. Instead of feeling supported and understood, she feels alienated and misunderstood.

“This is not the way people interact,” she gripes. “We can’t be together if we’re not talking.”

“So talk. What do you want to talk about?” he retorts, as his eyes magnetically return to the game.

“Oh forget it! You’ll never understand,” she says shaking her head in disgust.

Is the gap between men and women hopeless? In one sense, yes. It will always be there. Differences in the way girls and boys interact are evident as early as nursery school. One interesting study indicates that when the teacher is in the room girls and boys play similarly. But when the teacher exits, each gender reverts to its own style.

Will the gap between the sexes always be marked by a lack of understanding and alienation? Not necessarily. Though men and women’s expectations differ, it’s a different dynamic when both parties understand, appreciate and respect what their spouse wants and needs.

Copyright 2009 Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and life coach in private practice who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. For more information about her work, contact her at lsapadin@ drsapadin.com or visit her Web site at http://www.psychwisdom.com/