(Don’t) follow the signs

It’s news to no one that, not withstanding their speed and efficiency, computers can often really mess things up. The infamous “computer glitch” can misdirect fleets of aircraft or inadvertently reveal top-secret data or pronounce the living as deceased or send a $1,000,000 Social Security check to a child of right! Sometimes, though, the computer error impacts not the mega-corporation or government super-agency, but rather the local, corner store. Such was the case last month as a small, private print shop somehow produced the following signs that caused many a confused sigh(n) of disbelief:

n Holiday Gift Store:

Closed for the Holidays

n Long Island Surgical Center:

Do it yourself and save

n Matchmaker Love Connection:

No returns if damaged

n Emergency Clinic:

Please call 24 hours in advance

n Free Two-Week Supply:

Money back guarantee

n Tender Child-Care Center:

Beware of Dog

n Fresh Prune Juice:

28 miles to the gallon

n Meet Your New Boyfriend:

Comes with spare tire

n Three Doctors O-Gyn Group:

Free Delivery

n Surprise Party for Lucy:

RSVP Lucy@aol.com

n Lonely Hearts Club:

Bring your spouse

n Miss Manners Finishing School: Results

guaranteed fresh

n “Nose Jobs”:

Buy one, get one free

n Special 2011 New Year’s Day Sale Price

(not valid after 12/31/10

n Artificial Flowers:

All natural

n Ajax Poisons and Pesticides: all home-made

n Penny Sale: 50% off

n Smiths Embalming:

Lifetime Guarentee

n Island of Doom Tours:

No return policy

n “Don’t Miss Our Annual

Sale of the Century”

n As Advertised: Surprise Sale

n Organ Transplants: Owner Operated

n Try “Oarfin Cookies”:

Like mother used to make

n One-of-a-kind Antiques:

Replacements available

n Library will host Public Speaking Classes: No Talking Please

n Open House:

Admission by Invitation Only

n Enroll in “Complete Freedom Seminar”: (Restrictions Apply)

n Clowns Wanted

(only serious applications considered)

n And my Aunt Zoey’s favorite misprint:

“Unreserved Judgment” – Place unwanted items here.

© Copyright © 2011 Ron Goldman