Overdoing, overstressing

When Diana described her home life, it was obvious that things weren’t working out well. “Other people see home as a place to relax. I definitely do not. To me, it’s just another place where I work hard. There are always a zillion things to do around the house. And being a mother has come down to being on call to drive my kids someplace or do something for them that they insist is an absolutely necessity.  I’m so worn out by the end of the day that I must confess — even sex has become a chore.”

On those rare occasions when she had a free moment, she’d still be spinning her mental wheels about tasks that were left undone. When her husband noticed how stressed she was, he suggested she take a day off, just for herself. Diana’s immediate response: “I don’t know; I have so many things to do; the kids might need me for something; I can’t make any definite plans.”

Though Diana was aware that her life was out of control, she couldn’t see any way to ease the pressure. She didn’t reflect on options or choices; she simply assumed that she had to do what she had to do. To create a more sane life, overdoers need to learn to: 

Say goodbye to the Superwoman myth.

Don’t aim for having it all: a showcase home, incredible kids, fab vacations, taut body, fantastic career, sensational sex life and more. You simply can’t have it all — not at the same time anyway. No one can. So, make day-by-day choices about the best use of your time and energy, If you notice you’re neglecting any aspect of your life for too long, readjust your priorities.

Not only can’t you have it all, you also can’t do it all. Not all by yourself anyway. Request assistance from others. Ask friends how they cope with a challenging situation. Seek input from family members about family conflict. Involving others expands your resources so that you don’t need to do everything by yourself. As an overdoer, you’re there for others. Let them be there for you too.

Reduce you need for approval from others. If you find yourself living your life to accommodate others or chasing pursuits just to fit in or gain acceptance, stop. Though you may initially feel warm and fuzzy as you win another’s favor, reflect on whether it’s worth it in the long run. If you decide to say “yes” to someone, make sure what you do fits into your time schedule and is, at least partially on your terms. Rather than taking on tasks to please another (even your kids), aim more toward living by rules that work for you.

You have a right to pick and choose how you spend your time. Nix the guilt if you didn’t do what someone else wanted. Nix the fear of offending others. In no way am I suggesting that you become a self-centered, egotistical person. Being a generous, giving person is an admirable quality. But accommodating others just to win their approval or to prove your worthiness is another matter.

Create a viable balance between what you want to do and need to do. A well-balanced life is one that has good balance between work and play, tending to today’s tasks and preparing for tomorrow’s, meeting your needs and meeting the needs of others. So, be cognizant of how you spend your time.

Lucky for you, these categories often overlap. Isn’t it great when work feels like play? And doing for others feels like you’re benefiting too? Still, making a mental distinction between the two will ensure that you don’t spend excessive time on another’s agenda, insufficient time on your own.

”Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.

Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”

— Carl Jung

© Copyright 2011 Linda Sapadin, Ph.D.