Kids make you happy? Probably not, study says

Randi Kreiss

There is a memorable scene in Mary Karr’s memoir, “The Liar’s Club.” It really was a dark and stormy night in the down-and-dirty town of Port Arthur, Texas, when little Mary and her baby sister were attacked by their crazed, knife-wielding mother, who was apparently having a really bad day. Mom was alone all day taking care of the children, who had pukey stomach viruses; they were erupting like tiny volcanoes every 30 minutes with all kinds of gross, semi-digested food.

At some point, Mom snapped. Fortunately, the kids were rescued relatively unharmed, and Mom was sent away for a nice, long rest.

I know I’m supposed to feel sorry for the traumatized children, but my heart really breaks for the mother. I’ve walked in her crazy shoes. I’ve lived her overstressed days alone with demanding young kids. Maybe she was just a bit more fragile than the rest of us mothers and fathers, but it’s a very fine distinction.

Recent media stories have focused on various “happiness” studies, vis-à-vis parents and children. Conclusions indicate that having children doesn’t make you happier. Also, marriages are not improved by the arrival of kids. In a list of favorite activities, most stay-at-home moms listed caring for children around No. 16, after ironing, shopping, pulling weeds, etc.

A fair number of parents in the anonymous studies said that if they had it to do all over again, they wouldn’t have children. And we’re not talking about the horror stories here — the problem kids who burn down houses or the teenagers who set off down the winding road to drug abuse and dissipation. We’re speaking of average parents with average kids who sometimes feel that raising children is just more than they can handle.

Raise your hand if you’re surprised. I’m not at all surprised, but I do think several issues are at work here.

One is that we live now in a time when having kids is an option. It never was when I was growing up. Girls got married and had kids; any other path was met with disapproval and suspicion. And we had our kids when we were 19, 20 and 21. We had energy and mothers nearby and groups of friends who stayed at home to raise their kids along with ours; we didn’t know it then, but we were a village, and we were raising children together. We had support and usually only one job to do — taking care of the family. If asked at the time, I wouldn’t have said I was happy all the time, but I felt I was doing something important.

Today most young parents do expect to be happy; we raised them that way. And women are often doing two full-time jobs: child-rearing and piloting jets or performing neurosurgery or flipping burgers or teaching school. Are they “happy”? Hell, they’re climbing Everest. It has its thrilling moments, but one false step and they could wipe out.

Which brings me to the very concept of happiness. In life, we do things for many reasons besides happiness. We run businesses to support ourselves and our families. We study hard, sometimes for years, to know more and to become useful in society.

Having children brings happiness at moments, but it also brings exhaustion in the early months, exhaustion and worry in the toddler years, exhaustion and frustration, anger and sometimes terror in the teenage years, and if you’re very, very lucky, satisfaction and pleasure when you see them go out into the world as successful human beings.

Happiness is a moment-to-moment thing, not a permanent state of mind. The 30-something and 40-something parents of today got married and had kids 10 years later than most of my generation. So, by the time they had their own kids, when they were in their 30s, they were used to a pretty good life, creature comforts, privacy, down time, long, peaceful nights of sleep, uninterrupted sex whenever the mood struck. No wonder they feel unhappy to be wiping up baby vomit at 3 a.m.

Children do not equal happiness. The equation doesn’t work that way. Having children is part of a biological imperative to replace ourselves that we may act on or not. If we have kids and all goes well, we are rewarded with the happy days, the sad days, the joys and the frustration that comprise all of life.

Although some parents said they wouldn’t have kids if they had it to do over again, the overwhelming number of moms and dads said they would not — could not — imagine a life without children. The good moments far exceed the bad. But happiness? It’s just a smiley face with nothing behind it.

Happiness is too small a concept to encompass the daunting adventure known as parenting.

Copyright © 2010 Randi Kreiss. Randi can be reached at randik3@aol.com or (516) 569-4000 ext. 304.