Forestalling suicide by asking questions is topic at library class

Question, persuade and refer. Those were the three words highlighted in a Tuesday-night virtual class hosted by the Bayville Free Library, where Barbara Tedesco and Gayle Parker Wright, of United Health Care, led participants through a technique that could save someone from dying by suicide. Nationwide, 48,000 people take their own lives each year.   

“I had heard about [the program] last year, and we were actually scheduled to do it last March, before everything shut down,” said Kristy Fumante, the library’s adult program coordinator. “We were going to do it in person. It was very important information that I thought would be helpful to some.”

Amid the Covid-19 pandemic, suicide is on more people’s minds, as they deal with grief, isolation and hopelessness, Parker Wright said.

Question, persuade and refer — or QPR — was developed by clinical psychologist Dr. Paul Quinnett. At the end of the course hosted by the library, participants earned certifications similar to those for CPR.

While suicide is preventable, Tedesco and Parker Wright wanted to make it clear that if someone does lose a loved one to suicide, it is not their fault.

“People are very uncomfortable thinking about this and talking about this,” said Tedesco. “So, this is a public health initiative designed for people to really support others who might be considering ending their lives, or they might be in the process of a suicide attempt.”

High-risk groups, according to the presentation, include those who have lost a loved one to suicide and those who have the “means” to end their lives, including police officers with access to firearms. They also include those suffering from depression, alcohol or drug addiction, who are  having trouble sleeping or have suffered a trauma or experienced bullying. 

People can think about ending their life for days, months or even years, according to the presentation, because they may believe the circumstances they are facing can only be remedied by suicide. Direct verbal cues include people saying, “I’ve decided to kill myself,” or “I wish I were dead.” Indirect cues include, “I’m tired of life, I can’t go on,”  “Pretty soon you won’t have to worry about me,” or “My family would be better off without me.”

Those at risk may also begin giving away possessions, getting their affairs in order, displaying an increased or decreased interest in religion or not showing up for work. They may be avoiding spending time with others, behaving aggressively or erratically. They may be dealing with the loss of a loved one, a job or a relationship. People at risk may be facing a diagnosis of a terminal illness. A single one of these factors may not be a signal, but relatives and friends should be looking out for an accumulation of direct or indirect cues, Tedesco said.

“You’re always wanting to be thinking about [whether] someone is behaving in a manner that something is different or you’re just getting a sense that something is up, even if it’s something not direct,” she said. “[Say] ‘I’m concerned, what did you mean by that?’ or ‘What’s going on?’”

Those who are concerned about a colleague, neighbor, friend or family member should approach the person in private and make sure they have plenty of time to talk. “Don’t interrupt them,” Parker Wright said. “Ask them and leave them space to talk. Sometimes a lot of people say, ‘They’re not responding right away.’ You know, silence is OK.”

Resources such as phone numbers, counselor names and other helpful sources of information should be on hand, Parker Wright said. Those who want to show their concern should be direct but gentle, she added.

“Offer hope in any form,” Parker Wright said. “So that means whatever you feel your hope or your expression of hope is, then that’s what we want you to offer.”

Following the expression of hope, the person who is concerned should ask the person at risk the following questions: “Will you go with me to get help?” or “Will you let me help you get help?” 

A concerned person should get others involved to help the person at risk through this period of their life. Faith leaders and close family and friends should be informed.

“You want to follow up with a phone call or visit,” Tedesco said. “Sometimes people back off once they have that opportunity to move away from an uncomfortable situation. Reach out again. You want to let them know that you care about what is happening again.”

A willingness to listen, as well as offering to help and care, makes a difference in the life of a person who is considering suicide, Parker Wright said.

Ann Morrison, the Long Island area director for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, said programs like the one at the library are essential in order to prevent suicide.

“We are seeing that people are more attuned to their mental health because of the isolation,” Morrison said. “Yes, people are isolated and are feeling that isolation, but we’re seeing more people being attuned to that, so that more people are reaching out to look for what they can do to help their employees, what they can do to help their students.”

This focus on mental health is a positive thing, she said.

There will be another QPR session held at the Oyster Bay-East Norwich Public Library on March 10 at 7 p.m. To register starting Feb. 22, visit https://bit.ly/QPRtrainingSession.