Linda Sepadin
There was no mistaking the contempt in Jen's voice.Josh shook his head in disgust, returning to his TV program.Jen's anger was escalating. "I need to talk to you. I'm furious about what you said last night. We both agreed we're going to Puerto Rico for the holidays; now you say you're not so sure.""Jen, please. I don't want to talk about it now. I'm tired. You're upset. Let's just put it on hold.""No, I want to talk about it now. I hate when you make changes after we both agree on something. I know what the problem is. You don't want to spend the money. You're so cheap, it's pathetic."Silence. Dead silence."Say something," shrieked Jen.Josh continued to watch TV.By this time, Jen was crazed. She couldn't stand his silence. She felt like a bad child being punished by a critical parent. "Don't just sit there saying nothing. Talk to me." When he continued his silence, she grabbed the remote and shut off the TV.He snatched the remote out of her hand.She pushed him. He looked at her with contempt. "You're crazy. You're out of control. Look at you!"She ran upstairs, locked herself in her room and cried her heart out. She felt pathetic, wondering how a once loving relationship came to this.He poured himself a stiff drink and put the TV on again.What has happened to this couple? How did their disagreement deteriorate into a struggle that both are mortified by?To understand how this happens, we need to know some of their unspoken assumptions. To Jen, a good marriage means discussing a problem till you come to a mutual agreement. To Josh, discussing a problem means being pressured into doing things "her way." He admits he often agrees to something just to please her. Later, he regrets it. When he changes his mind, she feels betrayed. She confronts him, reminding him that "we agreed to this." Wanting to avoid further confrontation, he clams up. She feels dismissed, which triggers earlier conflicts with her parents. The anxiety she feels is intolerable. Her anger escalates. He refuses to engage. And they're off and running. It's a destructive dance. She gets hysterical. He stonewalls. There is power in words. There is power in silence. If they keep doing what they've always done, they will end up with what they've always gotten. If they wish to have a different tomorrow, they need to do something different today.It hasn't been simple, but after admitting that they need help, Jen and Josh have started to learn alternative ways to communicate. It takes time and conscious effort but it sure beats the frustrating pattern that has developed over the years.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004.) © Copyright 2005
