By: Linda Sapadin
I'd love to silence this part, but I find it's coming out more and more, particularly with my husband." Marion's husband, Jim, describes his wife's personality this way. "It's true. Marion is often loving, supportive and very giving. But if she thinks her way is the right way, she just doesn't let up. I love her but I don't feel safe anymore in our relationship. Marion's lost all respect for me. She thinks I'm an idiot. No matter what I do, it's wrong and she lets me know that loud and clear. When she starts in on me, I shut down. I know this gets her even more angry, but I have to get away from her. She can be vicious." "I'm never vicious," retorts Marion. "But I have gotten nasty. I don't like myself when I get that way, but it happens. I want to be an understanding, loving wife but I can't stand it when he does stupid things. I do everything in the house and I do so much for him. I feel like I'm the only one who is working on our marriage. He's got problems he doesn't admit to and he won't accept my help. He used to be fun. He used to make me laugh. We used to be close. He was someone I could share my feelings with. But now, when I say how I feel or what I think is wrong, he believes that I'm trying to control him. I feel so unimportant when he won't listen to what I have to say." In many relationships, what starts out as terrific ends up in the pits. How does such a change happen? How is it that the qualities that you loved in a person turn into the qualities that you hate? How is it that the very same person who used to bring out the best in you now brings out the worst in you? How is it that a woman, like Marion, who felt strong and confident before marriage ends up feeling helpless and hopeless in her marriage, resulting in inward feelings of depression and outward displays of rage? Marion has reached a point where there is always an inward struggle going on. She wants to be supportive and caring. Yet, she doesn't know what to do when she experiences Jim as "weak," "indecisive," or "floundering." She wants to help him out; yet, she's also very angry with him. She thinks, "How can I trust him to take care of me if he can't even take care of himself?" Marion wants a strong husband. She thinks she needs a strong husband. She will do everything in her power to help him be strong. But damn. He just won't listen to her. How frustrating! How disappointing! How miserable! What a tangled mess. The more she tries to tell him how he should handle things, the more he distances himself from her. Her only other alternative is to "just not care." But then she feels awful. Why even be married to someone if you don't care about him or what he's doing? Marion and Jim were a couple in trouble. Marion no longer felt strong, important or competent in her own life and she clearly felt that her desire to assist her own husband was going nowhere. Instead of being rewarded for her good intentions, he experienced her as vicious. Instead of feeling satisfied that she was helping him, she was feeling completely helpless. Despite this frustrating pattern of relating, Marion was still resistant to giving up the idea that it was her job to help Jim become stronger and smarter. It took her months to even acknowledge that maybe Jim knew what he was doing in some areas. As a few things began to improve, however, Marion remembered that she didn't marry Jim so that he should take care of her. She was an independent, smart and capable woman. She had married him to make her life more fun, more pleasant, more enjoyable. And, with the constant bickering, she was getting none of that. It isn't easy to change our patterns of speaking or relating. But it's also not easy to live in constant conflict. It takes courage and effort to let go of old habits. But, given the alternative, it's usually worth the effort.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2002
