By Scott Brinton
A decade ago, Anne's first son, then 15 years old, started abusing drugs, beginning with marijuana and alcohol. Her two other sons, 12 and 8, soon followed suit. "Each of them has been treated for some form of drug abuse," said Anne, a school nurse.
Anne, who wished to be identified only by her first name, spoke of her sons' drug addictions during the Bellmore-Merrick Community Wellness Council's first town meeting to address local substance abuse. The forum at Calhoun High School on Nov. 30 featured a panel discussion by four South Shore residents, including Anne, as well as Family Court Judge Richard Lawrence, "resident grandmother" Robin, and Havi, a 25-year-old recovering drug addict.
Seated behind the panel on the Calhoun auditorium stage was a cadre of community leaders, ranging from a social worker to a rabbi, priest, pediatrician, deli owner and students. Their purpose was to provide supporting insight to that of the keynote speakers.
Guidelines and limits
Anne, dressed plainly in a gray sweater and pink turtleneck, opened the forum, which was attended by some 300 local residents, school and elected officials. Her family's tragedy was marked upon her face, as she held back tears with nearly every word she uttered.
Anne talked much about her own mistakes: how she provided no guidelines, set no limits for her children regarding drug use. She was happy to see her son hit the club scene at 15. "I thought, here's this young man, who was very quiet, meeting all these new people," she said.
Her son assured her that the clubs were alcohol-free, which they might have been. Inside, however, he gained access to a host of drugs, some of which he started abusing.
Even when Anne began to suspect that her son was smoking marijuana, she did not react. "I thought this was okay. He was a typical 15-year-old," she said.
Rapidly, though, "his addiction plummeted," said Anne. She and her husband had "set up an atmosphere for absolute abuse."
In 1997, Anne got help for all three of her sons at Tempo Group, a North Merrick-based drug-rehabilitation clinic, which along with the Bellmore-Merrick Community Parent Center co-sponsored last Thursday's anti-drug forum. Today, her two eldest sons, now 25 and 22, are working toward college degrees. Her youngest son, 17, attends high school locally.
Her message to them today is clear: no drugs, not ever. "I was very, very gray," she said. "Children need black and white."
That means no clubbing for her youngest child. He remains at home after school, unless he is taking part in an organized, drug-free activity.
When Anne greets him at the door, she hugs and kisses him. "Most 17-year-olds need to be hugged and kissed," she said. This show of affection, however, serves a secondary purpose: It enables Anne to smell her son's breath and clothes for alcohol or marijuana.
"By reacting," said Anne, "you really could save the life of your child."
Slave to the drug
Havi, the recovering addict, backed this assertion with his testimony. His parents, Israeli immigrants who knew nothing of the American drug culture, never warned him about the dangers of substance abuse. He noted, however, that he grew up in a "good home, a loving home" in upscale Lawrence in the Five Towns.
He smoked marijuana for the first time in ninth grade. "I liked it," he said. "I wasn't frightened. I was enticed. I wanted to try everything."
And so he did. "By the time I graduated high school, I tried almost every drug in the book."
He, too, haunted alcohol-free nightclubs and found a "smorgasbord of every drug." He attended college in upstate New York, but got kicked out of school during his first semester for selling marijuana.
Havi turned to drug dealing to support his own habit. He took classes at Nassau Community College, where he received an associate's degree. During his two years there, his drug abuse increased.
"I was 20 years old when I tried heroin. My girlfriend and I became heroin addicts for a year," said Havi.
Quickly, drugs led to a spiraling loss of control in his life. "[Addiction] almost killed me," Havi said. "My best friend overdosed in my apartment. I was a slave to the drug." He sought and found help for his addiction at Tempo Group's Woodmere office.
No amount of schooling can prevent young people from abusing drugs, Havi said. "The only thing that can work is a relationship between you and your kids," he said.
Normal people, normal families
Barry Wilanksy, executive director of Tempo Group and moderator of the forum, said, "Normal people, normal families have drug problems.
"It all begins as social/recreational use," he said. No one aims to become an addict. For more than half the population who try drugs casually, however, that is exactly how they end up, he said.
Judge Lawrence said he sees the fallout of drug addiction in his courtroom -- the cases of family abuse, either parent to child or vice versa. Judge Lawrence, of Merrick, who has served on the bench almost four years, said that "60 to 65 percent of family-offense cases involve alcohol."
He also finds increasing numbers of heroin cases. "It's here," the judge said. "It's here, out on the streets of Merrick and Bellmore. Anyone can go out and buy it."
He added that the average drug abuser in his court does not fit the stereotypical image of the homeless person scraping by in a halfway house. "Ninety percent of the cases I have involve middle-class people," he said.
Robin, the "resident grandmother," a retired English teacher and 39-year Bellmore-Merrick resident, said that, in the past, she saw "kids who tried it [drugs] and didn't go on." Today, however, young people are getting hooked in alarming numbers, she said.
"I know my grandchildren live in very, very different times," said Robin. She is moving closer to them to help care for and keep a watchful eye over them, she said.
What to do about drugs
Dr. Daniel Miner, a Merrick pediatrician and supporting panelist, said that "from an early age, we have to tell our kids that not everyone smokes, not everyone drinks, not everyone uses cocaine."
Parents can go a long way toward preventing substance abuse among their children by acting as role models and abstaining from drugs, including alcohol and cigarettes. Parents should also explain why they stay away from drugs. "You have to say, this is what I believe," Dr. Miner said.
Father Kevin Gruber, associate pastor of Sacred Heart Roman Catholic Church in North Merrick, said, "The most important thing adults need to share with their children is feelings. We need to teach children how to deal with positive and negative feelings." This way, they do not take drugs as a quick fix for their problems.
The pastor concluded: "You can't love your children enough. We have to truly, truly love our children -- all of them."
Mr. Wilansky ended the evening with this grim reminder: "What we're dealing with here is life and death."
Drug-free booklet now available
To receive a free copy of the U.S. Department of Education's "Growing Up Drug-free: A Parent's Guide to Prevention," call 1-877-4EDPUBS.
The 46-page color booklet looks at the signs drug addiction, as well as ways parents can talk with their children about substance abuse. Also included are charts detailing the many illegal drugs available on the streets and phone numbers of agencies where parents can seek help.
Upcoming events
*Tempo Group is hosting a follow-up to the Wellness Council's town meeting, in which the drug-rehabilitation clinic hopes to establish a "parent network planning committee" to address "club nights, house parties and hanging out."
The follow-up is set for 7:30 P.M. Tuesday, Dec. 12 at Tempo in the Brookside School, room 27, 1260 Meadowbrook Rd., North Merrick. For more information, call Cindy Leinwand, social worker, Tempo, at (516) 374-3671.
*The Community Parent Center is sponsoring a series of the workshop titled "Getting Ready for Middle School." Usually, the workshop has a fee and is offered only at the Parent Center at the Brookside School.
As a follow-up to the town meeting, the center is offering the popular workshop free and at locations throughout Bellmore-Merrick. The following are places and dates of upcoming sessions (all times are 7:30 to 9 P.M.):
-Fayette Elementary School, general-purpose room, North Merrick, Jan. 16, 23, 30 and February 6.
-Location for North Bellmore to be announced, March 12, 19, 26 and April 2.
-Shore Road Intermediate School, cafeteria, Bellmore, Feb. 1, 8, 15 and March 1.
-Norman J. Levy Lakeside Elementary School, Merrick, March 8, 15, 22 and 29.
