By LARRY MAIER
At 7 P.M. Sunday, Dec. 10, there will be a candle-lighting ceremony in the park, part of a worldwide event that coincides with National Children's Memorial Day. The vigil will bring tens of thousands of families, united in grief, together during the difficult holiday season in an act of loving remembrance.
Elaine Stillwell will be there.
After the deaths of her two oldest children, 21-year-old Denis and 19-year-old Peggy, who were killed in an auto accident in August 1986, Ms. Stillwell found herself sorting through her children's wallets and discarding their driver's licenses. The significance of that act unnerved the already distraught mother, making her feel as if she were erasing the memory of her beloved children.
"That really bothered me. But that was ultimately what made me get up every morning, to make sure my children weren't erased," Ms. Stillwell recalled. "I had no idea how I was going to do it, but I knew I didn't want them to be forgotten."
To help her cope with the crippling sadness, she became a voracious reader, devouring every book on the subject of grief and loss that she could find. Through her reading, she learned about the Compassionate Friends, an international self-help support group for families grieving the death of a child. She began attending meetings at the nearest chapter, in Babylon. Eventually, she and her husband, Joe, founded a chapter of Compassionate Friends in their home town of Rockville Centre. For the past 13 years, Ms. Stillwell has served as chapter leader, sharing her gifts of hope and inspiration with the bereaved, simply by telling what she has learned as a bereaved parent.
"I love every minute of what I am doing. It is a special kind of reward to be there to help people," said Ms. Stillwell, who is also the bereavement coordinator for the Diocese of Rockville Centre. "My goal in life is to tell the world about Peggy and Denis. And people are just so pleased that there is a place where they can go to feel better."
People like Connie Purick.
Robbie Purick was a 24-year-old artist, poet, and scholar, pursuing a Master's of Fine Arts degree when he and a female friend were killed on Nov. 25, 1994, in a collision with a van on a back road in Arizona. His death devastated his parents and four siblings. Like most families that suffer such a loss, the Puricks were paralyzed with grief.
In one of those truth-is-stranger-than-fiction coincidences, Ms. Stillwell had been Robbie's third-grade teacher at Camp Avenue Elementary School in Merrick. When she learned of the death of her former student, she went to pay the Purick family a visit.
"I was sitting on the couch, totally vegetating, when Elaine Stillwell came," remembered Ms. Purick, who recalled Ms. Stillwell's own loss years earlier. "I thought to myself, if she can come to me, I better get myself up off this couch."
Ms. Stillwell not only helped Ms. Purick off the couch, but she also helped her find some peace. It was months before Ms. Purick attended her first meeting of Compassionate Friends. But she has been attending the monthly meetings at Molloy College ever since, thankful that she has learned to smile again and found a place to feel better.
Bob Purick was also grieving. Although he fully supported his wife's involvement with Compassionate Friends, the meetings were not for him. Talking about his son was just too painful. But he too wanted to find a way to remember Robbie and to make sure his son's memory was not erased. The couple's daughter, Mary, was the first to suggest that the family look into cleaning up the local park as a way to honor Robbie.
Robbie had worked in the restaurant that borders the park, and he would often spend his breaks there, catching a breath of fresh air before heading back inside to work. The family made some inquiries and discovered they could "adopt" the park, unofficially placing Robbie's name on it in exchange for maintenance and care. So the entire Purick family, and many special friends, spent weeks cleaning the park, planting flowers and painting park benches. Robbie's high-school art teacher painted one of Robbie's poems on the side of the restaurant wall. The result was the Robert E. Purick Pocket Park, or "Robbie's Park," a memorial to a lost son, brother and friend.
For three years, the Purick family has hosted an ecumenical tree-lighting service at the park, complete with hot cocoa and Santa Claus. Last year, the ceremony grew, as members of Compassionate Friends joined in the vigil. This year, the Purick family is not quite sure what to expect, as word of the candle lighting has spread, and there are so many families who are in pain.
"When you are grieving, you reach out for whatever will help you relieve the pain and sadness, and do whatever you can to feel better," said Mr. Purick, who hopes that this year's candle lighting will be a comfort to others who have lost loved ones, just as "Robbie's Park" has become a comfort to him and his place to go to feel better.
