By: Linda Sapadin
We didn't say two words to each other all weekend."He said, "I work all week; I'm entitled to enjoy myself. What do you want from me?"She said, "If you don't know what I want from you, then you're beyond hope."He said, "Don't start with me. You're never satisfied, always finding fault with me. What's the matter with you?"She said, "What's the matter with me? You! You don't give a damn about me. All you're interested in is whatever you want to do."He shakes his head in disbelief, makes himself a drink and returns to the TV. She feels alone, isolated, confused and miserable. She retreats to her room in tears.What's happening here? How come both he and she feel so dissatisfied with each other? Could they possibly reach a better resolution? What's happening here is perhaps best described as a pursuer-distancer conflict. Patty is the pursuer, craving more attention and affection from Jeff than he can comfortably give. Jeff is the distancer, moving away from Patty when he thinks she's too emotionally needy or demanding. Both husband and wife feel justified in their thinking; neither appreciates the other person's position. Hence, no resolution is imminent.Patty and Jeff are stuck. Why? Because not only are they arguing about current problems, they are also pushing each other's childhood buttons. Patty came from a home where her mother punished her by not talking to her for days. This, as you might imagine, created unbearable anxiety in Patty who couldn't stand being emotionally abandoned. Jeff came from a home where he was frequently scolded and learned early on that his best response was to turn a deaf ear to his parents' criticism. Patty and Jeff learned very different ways to deal with emotional conflict. Patty learned to pursue; Jeff learned to distance. Now many years later, Patty and Jeff are still affected by those earlier patterns. In order to reach a better resolution, each one has to learn better relationship skills: listening rather than accusing, explaining rather than attacking, compromising rather than demanding.Here's an example of how their dialogue might have gone, if they had put into practice what I just described. She might have said, "We haven't spent much time together this weekend."He might have responded, "Yeah, you're right. Though we were both home, I was watching a lot of TV."She might have explained," It really gets to me when you spend so much time not talking to me. I feel left out and ignored."He might have explained, "I know; but I want you to know I'm not ignoring you; I'm just doing what I like to do. But the night isn't over yet. Is there something you'd like to talk about now?"She might have accepted the invitation and said, "Well, yes. I don't only want to talk though; I want to cuddle and feel close to you."He might have accepted her invitation and responded, "Sounds good to me." At the end of this conversation, Patty and Jeff would be ready for good quality time together - wherever it might lead.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2003
