By: Linda Sapadin
For when we first come into the world, our parents are already grownups and we just assume that that's the way they've always been. But of course, we enter their lives in the middle. And much like a complicated movie that you enter in the middle, you may think you know everything that's going on, but invariably, there's a lot you just don't get. If you could take a journey back through time to see the way it used to be for them, what might you learn? Here's one person's story. Our time-ship docks in the year 1935. Gloria is six years old. She is the oldest of three children whose mother (your grandmother) is an angry, frustrated woman who frequently loses her temper with her children. Gloria's father (your grandfather) is not home very often. When he is, he's exhausted and grumpy. He works three jobs, trying to make ends meet. Life is not easy for this family. Even though she's only six years old, Gloria is expected to take responsibility for herself as well as help her mother with her younger siblings. Gloria does what she is supposed to do, though she is not happy about it. She frequently feels sad and overwhelmed. She works hard - at home and at school - but nothing ever seems to get better. She has nobody to talk to when she's feeling upset, nobody to ask for help when she's unsure of what to do. She is certain that she must be doing something wrong but she doesn't know what it is. Her mother is always angry. Her father is always tired. The house is such a mess. And her younger brother and sister are always fighting. Our time ship docks now in the year 1957. Gloria is married and has a 2-year-old child - YOU. You see your mom as big, all-powerful and all knowing. You may even see her as perfect. After all, what do you know? You're just a toddler. Indeed, there is no way that you could possibly know that your mommy is scared and overwhelmed and not sure how to be a good mother or a good wife. So when she's angry or upset with you, you think you were bad. You didn't know that lots of other things were going on in your mommy's mind that upset her and had nothing to do with you. If you had been able to take a voyage on that time-ship and peek in on your parents when they were little, you would have experienced them in a very different way. You would have observed their helplessness. You would have seen them trying to cope with their own anger, fear and sadness. You would have recognized that they weren't nearly as smart as you thought they were when you were a little kid. You would have seen them struggling to endure all types of difficulties without a lot of assistance and without all the psychological smarts that are commonplace in today's culture. As an adult, hopefully, you can not only relate to your mom and dad as your parents but can also appreciate them as fellow human beings who, like you, are a product of their time and circumstances. Accepting our parents as real people, with their strengths, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies is a real sign of maturity.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and groups. © Copyright 2002
