This is the season for public apologies. When it's time for politicians to court your vote, they suddenly are very sympathetic to everyone's needs. However, since they cannot please all the people all of the time, when courting one group, a politician often steps on the toes of another group. When the group expresses righteous indignation, the standard apology line is: "If I offended anyone, I'm sorry."
This type of generic apology, however, may only add fuel
to the fire, for nobody believes that it is sincere or meaningful. If enough pressure is generated, a second stronger apology is usually forthcoming, such as: "What I said was wrong and inappropriate. I should have known better."
That kind of apology tends to call off the dogs, but rarely is it truly satisfying. It still seems as though many of us, not only politicians, do not understand the difference between an authentic apology and a bogus one.
How does one go about righting a wrong--in personal life as well as in public life?
An authentic apology requires both strength and clarity. Not only do you need to acknowledge what you did wrong (i.e. "I should not have told you to shut up"), but you also need to acknowledge that you have caused the other person pain or distress (i.e. "I know my words and my tone of voice were hurtful to you." )
To provide a sincere apology requires empathy. You must put yourself in the other person's shoes to imagine what it felt like for that person to be on the receiving end of what you said or did. Above all, you must not "blame the victim" by stating that the other person was "too sensitive," "has no sense of humor," "takes things too seriously" or "misinterpreted what you said."
"I beg your pardon" is the foundation of an authentic apology. You are trying to repair the damage you've done. The only genuine way to do that is by shifting the power for forgiveness to the other person.. You are the one who was wrong, insensitive, inappropriate or stupid, no matter how "sensitive" the other person is. You humble yourself, and "beg" the other person to "pardon you."
An apology that is only offered to avoid negative consequences or simply to assuage the other person's anger is not worth much at all. Young people who casually tell their parents, "Sorry I banged up the car," sometimes do so to avoid a punishment and to appease their parents' fury. Such an inauthentic apology may further enrage the parents. When a teen continues by saying in an annoyed voice, "But I said I'm sorry, what more do you want?" he/she is still showing little understanding of the essence of a genuine apology.
A bona fide apology not only helps to heal a relationship but also raises the consciousness of the person who is the offender. He learns to be more sensitive, more aware, more cognizant of the effects of his actions or words on others. As a consequence, he becomes more caring, more aware, less likely to keep repeating the same type of offense. A sincere apology, along with a subsequent change in behavior, goes a long way toward healing wounds--in public life as well as in family life. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
