COMING ATTRACTIONS

Andrew Dice Clay

"The Undisputed Heavyweight Comedy King", as Andrew Dice Clay calls himself, is bringing his street smart, sex-obsessed persona to the Westbury Music Fair on April 13 and 14. With a comedy career that's spanned over 20 year now, the Dice has is known for his acid tongue and for the signature leather jacket and silver lion dangling on a chain around his neck. "The lion is the king of the jungle," he says. "Even if the lion goes down, he always gets back up." Andrew Dice Clay, Westbury Music Fair, 960 Brush Hollow Road, Westbury, (631) 888-9000 or (212) 307-7171, www.musicfair.com. Friday, April 13, and Saturday, April 14, at 8 p.m., $45.

Once upon an opera

Most kids enjoy a good fairy tale. Combine that love with operatic music, adventure, fanciful creatures ... and, behold, you've entered the kingdom of operatic fairy tales. Due to the popularity of its last appearance at the Nassau Museum of Art, the Metropolitan Opera Guild is back once more with the performance of a musical fairy tale. Using lots of audience participation, the show introduces children to what opera is all about. The Metropolitan Opera Guild, Nassau County Museum of Art, One Museum Drive, Roslyn Harbor, (516) 484-9338, ext 12.; Saturday, March 31, from 10 to 11:30 a.m.; $20, child and accompanying adult.

art

"Land, Sea and Sky: Jane Wilson's Long Island" exhibit. Heckscher Museum of Art, Rte. 25 and Prime Avenue, Huntington Village; (631) 351-3250. Through Sun., Apr. 15. Museum hours: Tues.-Thurs., 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.; Fri., 10 a.m. to 8:30 p.m.; Sat. & Sun., 1 p.m to 5 p.m.; sugg. don. $3 adults, $1 kids.
Charles Fazzio artwork for sale. Central Galleries, 420 Central Avenue, Cedarhurst, (800) 522-7871. Through April: This small poster/artwork shop is showing a large selection of Fazzio's colorful, pop-up creations. Hours: daily 10 a.m.-6 p.m, except Wednesdays to 8 p.m., Sundays 12 noon - 6 p.m., free.

bar bands

Austins Pub & Grill. 4000 Austin Blvd., Island Park, (516) 432-9068. Fridays: D.J. and karaoke, 10 p.m., no cover; Sundays: D.J. and karaoke, 9 p.m., no cover.
Backstage. 948 Broadway, Woodmere, (516) 374-9870. Saturdays: DJ, 9 p.m., no cover; Wednesdays: karaoke, 9:30 p.m., no cover.
Cafe Oasis. 779 Brooklyn Avenue, Baldwin, (516) 867-9829. Fri., Mar. 23: Night Train Express (Top 40, classic rock), 10 p.m., no cover; Sat., Mar. 24: Sock Hop nite with/The Revival ('50s rock) 10 p.m., no cover; Thursdays: karaoke, ladies $1 domestic tap and well liquor, no cover.
Catfish Cafe. 172 Merrick Road, Lynbrook, (516) 599-0137. Fri., Mar. 23: The Josey Wayles Band, 8:30 p.m., $10 bev./food min; Wed., Mar. 28: Danny Doll & Pokey-Moe open jam, 8:30 p.m., $10 bev./food min.
Callahan's. 1964 Hempstead Tpke., East Meadow, (516) 542-0723. Sat., Mar. 24: Gerald Bair (acoustic guitar, classic rock),10 p.m., no cover; Thursdays & Fridays: karaoke, 10 p.m., no cover.
Harry G's By The Sea. 6 Fifth Ave., East Rockaway, (516) 887-9106. Fridays: karaoke, 9 p.m., no cover; Wednesdays: open mike night, with host Jeorge from the Blue Scoobies, 8 p.m., no cover.
Jugs and Strokers Roadside Rest. 1828 Sunrise Hwy., Merrick, (516) 623-4449. Fri., Mar. 23: Dirty Dawg (upbeat blues), 9:30 p.m., $5; Sat, Mar.24: Hard Copy (classic rock), 9:30 p.m., $5; Wednesdays: Smoke Daddys w/open blues jam, 9 p.m., no cover; Sundays, barbeque, 1:00 p.m., free hamburgers, hot dogs.
The Touch Bar. 4135 Austin Blvd., Island Park, (516) 670-8617. Sundays: "Posics," hosted by Lisa Itts and The Acoustic Poets Network; open mic, 7-10 p.m., $4.

comedy

The Brokerage. 2797 Bellmore Ave, Bellmore. (516) 785-8655. Fri., Mar. 23, and Sat., Mar. 24: Joey Kola, Jim Florentine, 8 p.m. & 10:30 p.m., $15 + 2 drink min.
Governor's Comedy Cabaret and Restaurant. 90 Division Ave., Levittown, (516) 731-3358.; Fri., Mar. 23, to Sun., Mar. 25: From "New Joke City" Kevin Downey Jr., also Laurie Kilmartin, Rich Brooks, 8 p.m. & 10:30 p.m., $12.50 + 2 bev. min; Thursdays: Comedian showcase with host John Trueson, 8 p.m., $10 + 2 beverage min.

Concerts

South shore Philharmonic. West Hempstead High School auditorium, 400 Nassau Blvd., (516) 599-0444. Sat., Mar. 24: "Spring Concert: the music of French composers" w/Offenbach's "Orpheus in the Underworld" overture, Faure's "Pavane," Bizet's "L'Arlessienne" Suite No. 2, and more. 8 p.m., $7 adults, $5 students/seniors.
The Long island Philharmonic. Tilles Center for the Performing Arts, Brookville, (631) 293-2222, www.liphilharmonic.com. Sun., Mar. 25: "Classic III - The Paganini of the Trumpet," with Sergei Nakariakov. Program of Weill, Mahler, and Mendelssohn. 7:30 p.m., $44, $39, $30, $23.

dance clubs

Amphora Lounge. 210 Merrick Rd., Rockville Centre, (516) 536-2433. Thursdays: Singles Nite w/DJ John Visconti, disco from '70s & '80s, 30 & over; Fridays: DJ Chris Savini, dance music, 10 p.m.; Saturdays: DJ Cagney, techno, club music, 10 p.m. Admission: $5.
Chelsea Street. 1900 Hempstead Tpke, East Meadow, (516) 794-9770. Thursdays: DJ Ace (reggae, R& B, hip-hop), 10 p.m., $15.
The INN. 943 W. Beech St., Long Beach, (516) 432-9220. Fridays: DJ Tim, 10:30 p.m., no cover.
Oz Nightclub. 514 Hempstead Tpke., West Hempstead, (516) 481-8915. Fridays: R&B. reggae, hip-hop; Saturdays: Top 40, dance, 10 p.m., guys 25 & over and jackets; ladies 23 & over, $10.
mulcahys Rock & Roll Sports Bar. 3232 Railroad Ave., Wantagh, (516)-826-6857. Thurs., Mar. 22: The Blackstones, 10 p.m., $5; Fri., Mar. 23: Rubber Biscuit at 7:30 & Those Meddling Kids at 10 p.m, $10; Sat., Mar. 24: Satellites at 8 p.m.,Big Shot (Billy Joel tribute), Cosmic Box at 10 p.m, $8; Tuesdays: karaoke, 10 p.m., no cover; Wednesdays: DJ Muls, 10 p.m., $5.
Regine. 2565 Hempstead Tpke., East Meadow, (516) 579-2131. Thursdays: College Night, 18 & over; Fridays & Saturdays: R&B music w/DJ, guys 25 & over, ladies 23 & over, 10 p.m.; Sundays: Professional Singles Night w/DJ Jenny Costa (classic disco, mixed with house), 8 p.m., $7.
Zachary's. 1916 Hempstead Tpke., East Meadow. (516) 794-9770. Thursdays: DJ Dim (progressive house music), 10 p.m., $15.

ice skating

Newbridge Arena. 2600 Newbridge Rd., Bellmore, 783-6181. Until April 1: Indoor rink; Fri. sessions: 10 a.m. - 12 p.m., 4 - 6 p.m., 8 - 10 p.m. (live DJ night); Sat. sessions: 11:30 a.m. - 1:30 p.m., 2 - 4 p.m., 8 - 10 p.m.; Sun. sessions: 11:30 a.m. - 1:30 p.m., 2 - 4 p.m.; Mon. sessions: 10 a.m. -12 p.m., 4 - 6 p.m.; General admission, $6; Hempstead residents, $5; kids under 5, Mon.-Fri. before 6 p.m. with paid adult, free. Skate rental, $3.50.
Freeport Recreation Center. 130 E. Merrick Rd., Freeport, 377-2310. Until April 1: Indoor rink; Tues./Thurs. sessions: 4 - 6 p.m.; Fri. sessions: 7:45-9:45 p.m.; Sat./Sun. sessions: 12:30-2:30 p.m., 3:30-5:30 p.m.. Fri.: Open scrimmage: 4 - 6 p.m., $5, ages 11 & up. Freeport residents: $4/session adult, $2/session child; General admission: $6/session; Skate rental, $2.
Long Beach Ice Arena. 150 West Bay Drive, Long Beach, (516) 431-6500. Year round: Indoor rink; Monday to Friday: 8:45 -10 a.m. Tuesdays also 5 - 7 p.m.; Fridays also 1 - 3 p.m. & 3:15 -5:15 p.m.; Saturdays: 11:45 - 1:30 p.m., 3:30 - 5:15 p.m. & 8:45 - 10:30 p.m.; Sundays: 11:45 - 1:30 p.m. & 3:30 - 5:15 p.m. General admission: $6.50, kids 12 & under $5; Skate rental $3.

Kid Stuff

"Nobody Loves A Dragon" musical. Children's Theater, The Stage, 2222 Hewlett Ave., Hewlett, (516) 868-6400. A musical about a dragon who is friendly, intelligent, and wants to be loved. Sat., Mar. 24, at 2 p.m. (last show), $6 gen. admission.