By: Linda Sapadin
Either something's wrong with me or I haven't taken care of a problem the way she thinks I should have. I've just about had it with her." Marty looked morose."There are some things that we need to talk about", retorted Jennifer, clearly distraught about what her husband had just said."Yeah, yeah, you've always got something you need to talk about. Miss Perfect here knows all the answers. What I'd like to know is how come you're always right and I'm always wrong."Jennifer gave up talking directly to Marty and instead addressed me. "Marty has been working very long hours. He comes home tense. He needs a drink right away and he easily loses his temper with either me or with our kids. Marty claims that nothing is wrong and that he's not stressed, even though it's so obvious that he is. He falls asleep most nights on the couch with the TV blaring and a couple of vodkas under his belt. I thought that he might be having an affair because he's not interested in sex at all. But he denies it, and I don't think he has the energy for an affair, even if he wanted to have one."I looked at Marty. His muscles were taut; his expression was angry. "What do you think about what Jennifer just said?" I asked."I don't know what you want me to say," he responded, avoiding eye contact.I shrugged. "Whatever you want to say," I replied.Marty remained silent.Jennifer broke the silence saying, "see you can't get anywhere with him. Either he's silent or he blows up over some ridiculous thing. I can't take it anymore." I suggested to Jennifer that she try to contain her distress and give Marty a chance to gather his thoughts. It took Marty awhile to speak. "I will be 50 years old next month. My wife wants to celebrate, but I see no reason for it. I should be at the peak of my career and instead I find myself sinking. I don't like the work I do; I don't have the money I thought I would have at this stage of life. There's not much that makes me feel like celebrating. I feel empty and tired."These were important words for Marty to say. Like many men, he was ill-prepared to talk about his inner life. He was a man who prided himself on being able to solve problems but he was unaccustomed to being the problem himself. He hated feeling helpless and vulnerable. He had no desire to "talk about" those feelings; talking about them only made him feel ashamed.Gradually Marty admitted that he "might" be depressed. Though he acknowledged having low energy, drinking too much, feeling irritable, helpless and exhausted, he did not necessarily see the relationship between these symptoms and depression. When asked about his family history, he spoke about his father as being a "difficult man." When I inquired about how he was difficult, he replied that he was "quiet, grouchy, overworked, tired and uninvolved." "Was he depressed?" I asked. "Never thought of it that way," replied Marty. "But maybe he was. In those days, nobody was ever depressed. In today's world, everybody seems to be depressed." Depression in men has gone unrecognized for generations, usually because the symptoms are atypical. These men rarely complain of feeling melancholy or sad, though they may complain about being stressed or angry. Often they see the problem as being caused by somebody else being upset with them. Feeling irritable is easily mistaken as the cause of the problem rather than a symptom of the depression. In order to treat the depression, there must be at least some willingness to be introspective. Often this does not occur until an event brings it about. The event can be a really bad fight, a threat of divorce, a problem with a child, a death in the family or a big birthday that marks the passage of time. Depression is treatable, sometimes with medication, sometimes without it. In Marty's situation, he found he did not need medication. What really did make a difference was understanding what was going on inside of himself and being able to express his emotions instead of keeping them all bottled up inside. A further benefit to therapy was that Marty discovered that the more he spoke, the more Jennifer backed off from her demands. So at the end of therapy, not only did he feel better, he also thought that their marital relationship had improved.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright 2003
