By: Linda Sapadin
Anna had read an advice column that offered some "eternal truths" for the New Year about becoming a better person and living a better life. The more she read, however, the more agitated she became. The advice sounded really good but somehow it just felt wrong for her. It was difficult for her to say why. After all, what could be wrong with these "secrets of life":
Make the best of whatever comes along.
Greet every day with a smile.
Listen more, talk less.
Life is short. Don't waste time being mad, hurt, scared or frustrated.
What Anna finally realizes is that this "ideal" advice was actually what she had been doing her whole life. She was an expert in making the best of whatever came along. She hated fighting. She never raised her voice or expressed her displeasure. She prided herself on her ability to "get along" with others. She was empathetic, a good listener and an agreeable friend.
Though she rarely got upset with others, when she did, she would explain it away with phrases like, "That's just mom,"; "It's not so bad."; or "He didn't really mean it."
If Anna were true to who she was, however, her New Year's resolutions would read more like this:
Even though it will be very frightening for me to confront my mother when she mocks me, I will do it. I will not let her get away with saying "it's just a joke", or "you're too sensitive", when something is really hurtful to me.
I will work hard to know what I am feeling. When I'm feeling happy, I
will smile. When I'm feeling unhappy, I will not put on a fake face to please someone else.
I acknowledge that I am a good listener but that doesn't mean I need to let people go on and on with their monologues. I will learn to interrupt those people and insist upon telling them
about my bad day or maybe my good day! I will learn to speak up and share my experiences -- both good and bad.
Because I value honesty and want my relationships to be meaningful, I will try hard to share my feelings rather than hide them or run away at the first sign of conflict. I will no longer keep the peace at any price.
Resolutions always need to be based upon being true to who you are, where you're coming from and in what direction you wish to move. Following a generic resolution makes no sense at all. Instead, think about your own personal challenges for this year. What is it that you would like to learn, strengthen, expand or change? Get excited about the challenge even if it's difficult or painful! Then and only then will it be time for you to make your own personal and meaningful New Year's resolutions.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2002
