By: Linda Sapadin
The next day, life deals you such a blow that nothing will ever be the same. "It's not supposed to be this way," you wail. "It can't be!" "How could this ever have happened?" Someone, someone, please someone, wake me from this horrifying nightmare and tell me it's all a dream. But nobody does. As the hours pass, hour by slow hour, you realize that nothing, absolutely nothing stops the ache in your heart. Nothing soothes the fear that has kicked you in the stomach. Nothing makes your sadness go away. Nothing will stop the tears. Nothing reduces the pain. Shock, bewilderment and sorrow has taken up residence in your brain. You never had any warning, not even an inkling. How can you possibly cope with the loss. Your mind can't bear it. And even as your mind gropes to understand, so what? Your soul refuses to deal with it. It's impossible to imagine that just a few days ago, everything was different. That was before. This is after. You are exhausted. You are depressed. No, depressed is for people who lost their job or who had a really bad day. This is beyond depression; this is despair. They say time heals all wounds. They are wrong. This wound will never heal nor should it. It would be sacrilegious to let this wound heal - even if you could. Each day the wound is reopened. Each day you feel differently. One day, emptiness and loneliness reign. Another day, you may feel angry and resentful. The following day may bring about a melancholy so severe you don't know how you will go on. And still you do. You don't want to squash hope forever, even though now, you don't know what you could possibly hope for. You may want to be with friends; yet you may want to hide from friends. You may want to sleep your days away; you may want to keep yourself busy. You may feel so queasy that you never want to eat again; you may find yourself thankful for a good meal. You may want all the painkillers you can get your hands on; you may want to suffer the pain. There is no right approach; there is no right timing. You have the right, perhaps even the obligation, to feel whatever you are feeling; to think whatever you are thinking; to respond in whatever way you are responding. You must take the time you need to find a way to survive this catastrophe that has turned your world upside down. Many people's hearts and prayers are with you. Love and memories may yet be a source of comfort.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003
