If you took that vow seriously, it¹s a good chance that your kids are acting out, demanding, rude and walking all over you. If this is what¹s happening, you might want to consider bringing back the guilt.
Not an overabundance of guilt.
³I know you¹re doing something wrong; mommies know everything.²
Not heavy-handed guilt.
³If you weren¹t so bad, we wouldn¹t always be fighting all the time.²
Not unfair guilt.
³Look what you made me do. I wouldn¹t have dropped the plate if you didn¹t get me so nervous.²
‹- But good guilt.
³I told you to stop playing ball in the house. You didn¹t listen. Now you¹ve broken the lamp and I¹m disappointed in you.²
As children mature, a well-developed sense of guilt is important for their well-being. This is true because parents have less and less direct control over their children in these ways.
Physically: Though it¹s no picnic to pick up a screaming 3-year-old and walk out of the store because he¹s behaving badly, it¹s quite impossible to do the same with a 13-year-old.
Punishing your child. No problem punishing a 4-year old. But with a 14-year-old, it¹s not so easy. Take away their iPod and they¹ll use their Walkman. Take away their Walkman and they¹ll borrow one from a friend.
Enforcing a punishment. When you punish your 5-year-old by refusing to take her to a play date, you¹re in total control. But punish your 15-year-old with ³no chat rooms² and how can you know whether she¹s sneaking in a conversation while she¹s doing her homework? Watching over her to enforce the punishment invariably means more hassles for you than for her.
Without any guilt, a kid will show no remorse for bad behavior. When blamed, she may even go on the offense, blaming you for whatever went wrong.
With neurotic guilt, a kid will feel excessive and inappropriate guilt, contributing to low self-esteem and self-confidence.
With healthy guilt, a kid will have internalized appropriate standards of behavior so that he does not need a parent to constantly monitor his activities. He will know when he¹s done wrong and make amends when it¹s proper to do so.
Copyright 2006
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping people build competence, enrich relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. You can contact her at DrSapadin@aol.com or visit her Website at www.psychwisdom.com
