By: Linda Sapadin
Joanna is not the first person who has asked me that question in that same tone of voice. Hence, I know that this type of question does not come out of the blue. Rather, it emanates from long-term frustration and disappointment with trying to get someone to change with little success to show for all the effort. Thus, for those who feel similarly to Joanna, I think it would be helpful for me to expand my response. Yes, I believe that people can and do change, however:
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You cannot get anybody to change who is not motivated to change. We all know that it's tough enough for each of us to change when we are motivated, so why in the world would we expect an unmotivated person to change just because we want him to.
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Some people resist change much more than others. These folks find change stressful, frightful or just plain annoying. They much prefer to do things the way they've always done them; to think about things the way they've always thought about them. They value constancy in their lives. Other people, in contrast, tend to embrace change, finding change interesting, exciting, pleasurable. For them, a new idea, a new routine, a new flavor ice cream is preferable to plain vanilla (however tasty the vanilla might be).
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When people change, they do not transform their whole personalities. Do not count on your frog becoming a prince or your lazy-bones becoming a whirl of energy. In real life, the chances of a magical and total transformation are nil. If you insist upon magical endings, you need to move from your domicile and check into fairy-tale land. I don't know the address off hand, but perhaps your children's librarian might be of assistance.
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People do not change quickly or dramatically, despite the fact that there are books, tapes, speakers, and programs that promise they will change your life in "just a few short weeks." They claim you can get fit, gain self-confidence, get organized, be happy - rapidly and easily. Though their ideas, insights and strategies may definitely be helpful, their claims are highly exaggerated. They work no miracles; they are simply catalysts that can show you a path to living life differently, if you work the program. Of course, working the program means you have to stick with the program. And sticking with the program requires continued motivation, self-discipline and determination, which many of us lack. Change that is very quick and very dramatic is like infatuation. Only time will tell if it is here today, gone tomorrow, or if it really is the beginning of true love. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist who works with individual, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
