By:Robert Remler
Along with an aching sadness, difficult challenges face children who learn their parents have become terminally ill.
Though few make what Bernie Williams earns for playing centerfield for the New York Yankees, many share his current personal crisis. Three weeks ago, he told his employer that being with his terminally ill father was essentially more important than catching fly balls. But employment and financial concerns are only two of the many challenges that claim the emotions and energies of those who must care for dying loved ones.
Eileen Moran, a social worker at the Hospice Care Network on Long Island, knows Williams is not alone in his predicament. "As parents get older, roles tend to reverse. Children become the caregiver," the East Rockaway resident said.
She recognized that most people aren't as free as Williams is in taking time off. "The situation depends on a person's relationship with their employer."
Contact the company's human resources department if it has one, Moran suggests. Explain what's happening. Ask about Family Medical Leave. If it is necessary to take off for an extended period, ask about outstanding vacation time and sick days. "Ask, what am I entitled to?"
The burden of caring for a terminally ill person should not just fall on one family member. Moran suggests the entire family should ask the same questions of their own employers. "Too often, one person volunteers for the entire responsibility," she said. "It's important to share that responsibility."
When a parent is classified as being terminally ill, the hospital needs to discharge the patient. "You're using up that bed," Moran said. The problem of deciding where to move the terminally ill introduces a new series of stresses, she said. "Okay, now what are we going to do with Mom or Dad? Are we going to place them in a nursing home?"
Nursing homes often require minimum-health levels for admission. Just dealing with the admissions process can raise the caregiver's anxiety even higher. If the person cannot get into a nursing home then a new series of questions must be addressed.
"Are we going to bring her back home? Who is going to watch her? Who will take care of her?"
Such decisions should not fall on one family member, advised Moran. "The whole family should be involved; the patient as well as the adult children. The attending physician should be included in the decision-making process as well, she said.
It is important to ask the person being cared for what they want for themselves. "Most people would prefer to go home and die as opposed to dying in the hospital."
Sister Margie Kelly, Parish Outreach Coordinator in Valley Stream, said that when both of her parents were sick she wanted to be there for them. "I don't think you can escape the tension between work and home."
Many employers are "very understanding" when it comes to taking time off for medically related reasons, Sr. Margie said. "Hopefully, the person will be able to work with their employer."
"Accept any kind of help that is offered," she said. People should fight the tendency to do everything by themselves. "Accept help from friends or other family members."
Lectures and meetings
(B) Mercy Medical Center(UB) in Rockville Centre is sponsoring a free Skin Cancer Screening starting at 9 a.m. on Saturday, May 12. The screening will take place at St. Anne's Center on the Mercy Campus. Pre-registration for the screening is required. Please call (516) 705-1021...(B) 'Are you Living with Allergies?' is the subject of a free lecture at (B)Winthrop-University Hospital (UB) next month. The one-hour lecture is scheduled to start at 12:00 noon on Monday, May 7. The program will take place at the Church of the Nativity, located at 172 Willis Avenue. It will be repeated during the evening at the Winthrop Community Outreach Center, located at 101 Mineola Boulevard starting at 7 p.m. Admission is free, but seating is limited. Pre-registration is required. Call (516) 663-2579 to reserve your place...Volunteers are urgently needed at (B) Winthrop-University Hospital (UB) to staff the gift shop evenings and weekends. Other opportunities exist within the Hospital within various departments. For additional information or to apply, call (516) 663-2391...National CPR weekend is planned on Saturday, April 28 and the (B) American Heart Association(UB) is offering public, businesses, organizations and schools free CPR training at SUNY Farmingdale. To reserve a spot call 1-888-LEARN-CPR. Classes start at 9 a.m. and continue until 2 p.m...(B) The American Red Cross (UB) in Nassau County is calling all pet lovers to their annual Pet Parade starting 11 a.m., Saturday, May 12. The parade runs until 2 p.m. and will take place on the grounds of Friends Academy in Locust Valley. Early registration is encouraged and a $10 entry fee is required for each animal. To register call (516) 747-3500 ext. 251...(B)The Nassau County Department of Drug and Alcohol's Outpatient Unit (UB) is offering a six-week education series for adult children of alcoholics and co-dependents starting at 6:30 p.m. on Thursday, May 10. A fee of $15 per session will be collected at the door. For more information call (516) 572-6817 to reserve a space.
