By Angela Marshall
She was not alone. Eight Catholics or former Catholics gathered at the Tabor Retreat Center in Oceanside last Saturday for a round-table discussion of the struggles, challenges and decisions facing Catholics today.
Carolyn and her husband, Joe Rini, led the bittersweet discussion.
After the scandal broke, Carolyn and Joe decided to try out other Christian religions. They said they found the message of Jesus Christ wherever they went, but could not commit to a different church.
After much soul searching, Carolyn said she realized that "[It is a] fact and reality that I really love the Catholic Church and that it's in my DNA."
But she still struggles.
Joe came to a similar conclusion. For him it came down to the question of whether he was willing to throw away his heritage and beliefs for a few bad apples. "I would rather try to make things better," he said.
Each participant shared a little bit of their inner struggle following the scandal. Most chose to stay with the church, some are still trying to decide and one has left. Most only gave their first names and some not even that. If a name wasn't given, a pseudonym is being used here.
"I felt embarrassed. I still feel embarrassed to say I'm a Catholic," said Mary, a woman in a bright pink shirt seated on one of the center's couches. She said the scandal shattered her trust in the Church.
Like others in the room, she did not send a donation to the bishop's annual appeal this year. When Mary received a letter asking her to send it in, she wrote back. Mary wanted to know if her money would be used to support the priests accused of sexual abuse. She did not feel the response she received answered her question. It is Mary's understanding that these men, even though they are removed from priestly duties, will always be financially supported by the church because they have not been layacized. She said she is not a hard-hearted woman and understands that the priests have a disease, but "I could not in right conscious pay for a sex offender for the rest of his life."
Her faith in the Church as an institution is gone, but she holds on tightly to her faith in Jesus Christ.
Next to Mary was a man in suspenders recently diagnosed with cancer. John grew up thinking nuns were perfection and priests were ultimate perfection.
While serving on a committee at his parish, John became friends with the committee's priest coordinator. The priest was later accused of abusing altar boys. John was shocked.
"My faith has always been on the edge and this has knocked me over," he said.
John soon found himself reading every book he could find in the library on the Catholic religion. He said he was amazed at the things the Church has been involved in. Now, John questions whether there is a God at all.
He no longer goes to church, but he continues to financially contribute.
Like John, Ann was struggling long before the scandal broke. She felt she wasn't getting the nourishment she needed from the Church and was looking to other sources for "the food" that she was looking for. But that made her feel disloyal. Ann looked around the room and said she was thankful for the discussion because it seemed like the others were "speaking from her own heart."
"It's just kind of left me in a confused state," said a blonde woman named Deborah. She has two grown sons and has gone back to school in the hopes of one day working fulltime for the Church. "I've always wanted to help people."
Deborah said one of her sons was an altar boy and went to a Catholic high school. She said when the scandal broke she couldn't help thinking about the fact that her son developed a dislike of priests during his altar boy years. She tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't. "If anything did happen, I don't think he would tell me," she said. "It really was scary."
Deborah uses prayer as a way to deal with her fears.
A Rockville Centre woman named Pat stood behind the Church saying the recent scandal is the failing of individuals not Catholicism. "I would die before I'd leave my faith," said.
Pat said she questioned her faith about 10 years after she got out of college and came to terms with her beliefs then. "I'm the Church because of Jesus Christ and if I don't have him, I don't want to be alive another day."
For a man named Vito, the question of leaving the Church comes down to something St. Peter said in the Bible, "Where are we to go?"
Vito said he wasn't surprised when the scandal broke, saying "human nature is human nature" whether someone with a problem is a priest or any other profession. Vito said it is a small number of priests violating youths and that they need treatment. He pointed out that Jesus Christ himself was forgiving of sexual sinners.
"I feel terribly sorry for the priests committing these horrible acts," Vito said.
What bothered Vito was the "cover up." He called the actions of bishops who allegedly moved these priests from parish to parish "calculated" and an "abandonment of leadership."
"Christ himself warned of wolves in sheep's clothing... he didn't say how big [they would be]."
He would like to see the Church take responsibility for these actions but believes there are too many people "mindlessly" putting their money in the collection baskets for that to happen.
The discussion continued, each participant contributing, until Carolyn finally had to wrap it up. "I don't know where we go from here," she said.
"Hopefully we can pray for one another," Pat responded.
