We coach ourselves: "Just do it! Just make it happen Just let it be!"
Ah yes, how I hate the word "just" when it comes to change. Change is not easy. But, beware of believing that change is impossible.Chase away those demons that tell you you're "too old, too inflexible, too set in your ways" to change. Such a mindset sabotages your efforts even before you begin.
Though it's true that "you are who you are" and that some of your personality structure "is what it is," that has nothing to do with your ability to modify, alter, or tweak aspects of your personality. Forsmall changes(which are quite possible) can reap huge benefits in your relationships and in your well-being.
So, let's look at how the change process typically works:
Admitting: The First Stage -- BOLD
You've got to admit that if you changed some aspect of yourself,it would be a good thing. Some people never get to that stage. They blame others, they blame the stressors of life, they blame their past. They remain stuck,
You, however, are smarter than that. You know that in some way, you are part of the problem. That doesn't mean you blame yourself. It does mean, however, that you recognize that "how you react to a situation" is not fixed. With that awareness, you empower yourself to "be the change" you'd like to see.
Awareness: The Second Stage -- BOLD
Some people expect awareness, by itself, to do the job. They believe insight is enough. Well, it's usually not. With insight alone, you're only dealing with half of your brain. This rational part of your brain may state quite clearly what you plan to do; at the same time, the emotional part of your brain may be busy undermining the action plan.
Here's an example: Your rational brain is motivated. You're hyped up! You tell yourself, "I'm ready to lose weight, exercise, and eat healthier."
But then in sneaks your emotional brain, undermining your motivation. "BUT I don't have the time," "BUT it's so hard," "BUT I hate exercising." Ah, the havoc of ambivalence one part promises, the other sabotages.
And to top it off, you secretly hope that something magical will make change happen without the need to put in sustained effort: a breakthrough weight loss program, an inspirational teacher, a financial windfall,an unexpected surge of energy.
Commitment: The Third Stage -- BOLD
Commitment occurs when, in your quiet moment of truth, you (both the rational and the emotional parts) make a solemn pledge to change. No more magical thinking. No more self-sabotage. No more undermining your goals. You know it won'tbe easy, but so what? You're committed to the goal. You acknowledge the need for self-discipline, perseverance, and hard work.And so you begin the first step down a new path.
Once committed to making a doable change, (remember, we're not talking personality makeover), you will make it happen. How? The answer is different for each person. But one thing is sure, when the student is ready, the master will appear. This is not way-out Zen philosophy. This is appreciating the power of the committed mind.
Copyright 2009
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and personal coach in private practice who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. For more information about her work, contact her at lsapadin@drsapadin.com or visit her website at http://www.psychwisdom.com/.
