By:Linda Sapadin
I'm always impressed by people who say they want to change some aspect of their behavior or personality and then actually do what they say they are going to do. In contrast, there are many more people who believe that they "can't change," "don't want to change," or have to hit "rock bottom" before
they become motivated to change.
For most folks, changing one's way of living is not easy. We are creatures of habit. Even if our habits are life threatening (i.e. smoking, overeating), we tend to repeat what we've always done. And if one doesn't see any need to change but, instead, perceives it as somebody else's agenda (i.e. my wife
thinks I drink too much), there will be little, if any, motivation to change.
If you're one of those people who resists change, there are some things you need to change in order to be more open to change. There's a paradox to contemplate! And here are some ways that might help you shift your thinking a bit about change.
(***1st sentence of each 4 points in bold)
See if you can imagine that change can be interesting and exciting---like a first date, rather than a chore. Thinking about a problem in a new way, responding to a situation in a different way can be very refreshing. The "same old, same old" approach to life becomes very boring after awhile.
Reflect on change as a response that shows you that you are in charge of your life. There are times when it's important to actively decide to change something about how you are living. At that time, assertive statements, such as "I'm determined to do something different. I will not continue in the same old pattern. I want better," are take-charge approaches to change.
View change as an action process. You've contemplated a problem for awhile. You've been ambivalent for a long time. You've discussed it forever. Enough talking about it! It's time to take action and that means doing (***italics) something different. Even if you're afraid. Even if
you're unsure. Even if you're still wishing there were some magical solution to your problem that did not require you to take action. Change requires action, despite fears or uncertainty.
Use regret to inspire change. We all, at some time, regret decisions we've made or actions we've done or haven't done. Instead of just complaining or feeling guilty, be aware of what you wished you had done differently. Let your regret or guilt be a catalyst for change now. For example, if you even now regret that you didn't change your job years ago, see if there's something you can still do to change your job today, or at least, change your work environment in some significant aspect.
Change does not have to be as stressful or as taxing as many people believe. As one woman I know said, "Once I stopped resisting change, I became a more pleasant person. I used to be defensive about change because I saw it as someone trying to control me, telling me I wasn't good enough the way I am.
"Now, I look at a suggestion for change as an option to think about, or as potentially useful feedback that I can accept, reject or take a piece of without necessarily doing it the other person's way. Since I stopped fighting change, I know I am more enthusiastic and less negative."
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001.
