By:Karenlyn Barone
What makes Bill unique is the fact that he has been in recovery for the past 10 months. He is an alcoholic trying to quietly climb out of the bottle. He is your neighbor, your local merchant, your child's coach - perhaps your best friend. Bill is, in fact, typical of countless adults who, at midlife, try to put their destructive behavior and dependency behind them.
Like many chronic alcoholics, Bill (not his real name) has never missed a day of work or a family function because of his excessive drinking. Ironically, most of his friends and associates don't even know he has a drinking problem. "I was a very high-functioning drunk," Bill said with an engaging smile. "Sure, I had blackouts, but I held a job and I paid the bills."
Bill acknowledged that the road to recovery is difficult, but it's a path he has decided to take, and he spoke openly to the Herald about his battle with the bottle. "I come from a long line of raging alcoholics," he said. "That includes my dad, I think my mother had her bout, my uncles were confirmed AA members, and my paternal grandfather was a raging, abusive alcoholic. For me, there was a pre-genetic disposition to alcoholism."
According to the medical reference archives of WebMD, an online health site, genetic factors are considered crucial in alcoholism, and the risk of becoming an alcoholic is four to five times greater if a parent is alcoholic.
Bill said that a relative once showed him a picture of his grandfather's 10 children and said, "There they are -- eight drunks, one nun and a priest." Bill may have laughed as he recalled that story, but his conversation with the Herald was difficult for him. Initially, when asked if he would agree to be interviewed, he said, "I'm just not sure if I'm prepared to talk about it yet." But once he decided to tell his story, he did so courageously and unashamedly.
"Alcohol was a readily accepted part of my childhood," said Bill. "I always understood that if you were an adult, you drank." He had his first taste of alcohol when he was 8 or 9.
"Then, when I was in eighth grade, my friend and I took four cans of beer out of his refrigerator," he recalled. "We each had two beers and laughed our asses off, so hard we fell off the bed. I thought, This is great!"
According to Bill, in elementary school he was the personification of a nerd, but when he got to high school and started drinking on a regular basis, he was perceived as cool. "I guess technically it was peer pressure," he said. "But I saw no reason to say no."
Throughout high school, Bill's drinking was a weekend thing and seemingly under control, but his college days were focused on maintaining an almost constant high, rather than higher education. "In college I was a hard-core partier," he said, admitting to experimenting with drugs and subsequently abusing marijuana, which is another issue in his current recovery. "The thinking was, If you're willing to abuse one thing, why not another?"
But alcohol remained his primary drug of choice for the next 20 years. As time passed, the tall, good-looking man with a wicked sense of humor fell deeper and deeper into the bottle, but remained in denial about his problem, even though it held a tight grip on his daily life. He drank at work whenever possible, and he admits that if a social situation did not involve alcohol, he either wouldn't go or wouldn't stay very long.
"I always liked the buzz," he said. "For me, drinking was a happy thing. I was not a nasty drunk."
Research indicates that the cause of alcoholism is a blend of genetic, physical, psychological, environmental and social factors that vary among individuals. Bill has tried to rationalize his abusive behavior since he entered recovery. "For me, drinking was my solution. I hated life," he said. "I didn't want to be where I was. I had no motivation, and I hated everybody and everything. When you're abusing, you're not looking at the big picture, you're not looking at the here and now. But somewhere you cross a faint line in the sand. Are you allowing alcohol to be involved in your life, or is alcohol the central focus of your life?"
Bill's life at the time also included putting himself and others at risk on a regular basis. "I would never drink and drive," he said. "I would drink while I was driving."
Bill described how he would nestle a bottle of beer between his legs and finish off between six and eight beers on the drive home from work every night. Amazingly, he has never been stopped for driving while intoxicated, or for operating a vehicle while under the influence.
Although he got to a point where he considered his drinking an issue, Bill never really acted on it. "No matter what my mood -- sad, happy, mad, bored ... I would drink," he said. "Eventually you wake up, your head is ready to explode, your eyes are red and you swear you're not going to do this anymore, but by 4 p.m. you're cranking open a beer."
Bill turned 42 last year. His children were doing well in middle school, his job was secure, he was a respected member of his community -- and he had been an alcoholic for most of his life. Last year his wife told him to stop drinking.
Reluctantly he contacted a crisis help line made available by his employer, knowing full well he was nowhere near recovery. The therapist, also a recovering alcoholic, suggested that Bill attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. "From March through September of last year, I attended AA meetings," he said with a smile. "Well, actually, I told my wife I was going to meetings, but I would buy a 12-pack and drive around, sometimes drinking 18 beers a night."
Eventually, the deception and a lifetime of denial overshadowed Bill's resistance to change. "Finally," he said, "I realized I was sick of the way my life was. There was no joy. I was drunk and I was miserable."
He finally started attending those AA meetings, and to his amazement, he recently marked his 10th month of sobriety. He proudly showed me his most recent AA coin, which is presented to members who make it through another 30 days of sobriety.
"I still have occasional cravings, but most of the time I'm OK," Bill said. "The hardest part is that drinking is socially acceptable and publicly prominent. You can't walk around with a badge on your shirt that says, 'Don't feed the animals.'"
Bill said that through AA he is learning life skills that are vital to his recovery. The organization describes itself as a fellowship of men and women who have a drinking problem. They follow a 12-step recovery program that teaches coping skills rather than just focusing on alcohol avoidance.
"One of the things the program has taught me is that alcoholism is a disease of the attitudes -- drinking is just a symptom," Bill said. "I am relearning how to look at, deal with, and think about situations that are less than perfect."
He attends meetings several times a week, and finds that while life is not perfect, it is better than it was while he was drinking. "I didn't think alcohol interfered with anything, but looking back, it interfered with my education, my emotional growth and my social interactions," he said. "Through my sobriety, I've gained back a little self-respect and a sense of hope."
