Both kids were initially excited with this idea. However, it wasn't long before the excitement degenerated into a squabble that ruined the day. "Jared insisted on going to see one movie while Jocelyn insisted that she wanted to see another. I suggested a third alternative as a compromise, but neither kid would agree. Then I proposed that we go to one movie that day; the next time we would go to the other one. Both kids dug in their heels and would not yield."After hearing 20 minutes of crazed yelling and name-calling, Tamara was ready to put her kids up for adoption. She called off the movie plan. Instead, she sent her darlings to their rooms for an extended time-out. Then she lay down to rest, hoping that her throbbing headache would go away soon. Tamara's husband was also annoyed that his time alone was being compromised.In this kind of situation in which no compromise can be reached, everybody loses. What might have been a lovely family outing had turned into an ugly day with each member of the family feeling robbed.Now let's look at what a
good compromise would require. The following is good advice for both kids and adults:
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Each person needs to give importance to doing things together, not just to their own individual desires.
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Each person can make a case for what he wants, yet still listen seriously to what the other wants.
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Each person can think about the other person's choice as a viable option versus a tug-of-war.
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Each person needs to be open to more than one choice. Because you don't get your first choice does not mean that a second or third choice might not also appeal to you.
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If you're still having trouble reaching a compromise, consider thinking outside the box. Instead of a movie, Tamara and her kids could have decided on another activity.If all talk fails, agree to leave the decision up to chance. Put several alternatives in a hat and pick.
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Appreciate the value of serendipity - a fortunate discovery by accident. There are times you do not expect to enjoy an activity and quite by surprise it turns out great.Now let's look at the recipe for a bad compromise:
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Each person fights for what he or she wants, giving little or no importance to the group doing things together.
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Each person does not listen seriously to what the other person wants and responds as though it is a tug-of-war.
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Each person keeps a closed mind to changing, modifying, revising choices.
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Whoever ends up yielding does so with resentment and anger, creating a compromise that will have negative long-term effects.The next time Tamara was in a "whose way is it going to be" situation, she read the rules of good compromise out loud to her children. Then she gave each one a copy. Each time a kid took a tug-of-war approach, she asked her child to say at least one good thing about their sibling's choice. Then she asked each child to come up with a second alternative. Now there were four alternatives on the table. Then she came up with two alternatives of her own, leaving six choices on the table. Strangely enough, when presented with six choices, the decision seemed easier than two. However, just in case they remained stalemated, Tamara told her children that the decision would be decided by fate. All the choices would go into a hat and whatever was chosen, everyone would have to agree that that would be that. It took awhile until this approach paid off, but these days it is just part of the family routine. Good compromise does not take any more work than bad compromise or no compromise at all and the end result is worth it. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2003
