But, too often, communicating more (without communicating better) only creates more problems.
An example:
“We never have fun anymore,” she exclaims, as she watches her husband plop down on the couch, getting ready to watch the Super Bowl.
He defends himself, “Don’t worry. After this game, it’s over for the season. No more football.”
She sighs. “It’s never over. There’ll always be another game that takes precedence over what I want to do.”
He’s now annoyed. “You want to do something. Tell me what it is. All you do is criticize me when I’m enjoying myself.”
She protests. “I’m not criticizing you. I’m talking about our relationship — which is in sad shape. And you don’t even care enough to notice.”
“Our relationship’s fine, honey. Let’s talk later. I want to watch this,” he said.
“See, that’s just what I mean. The game is more important to you than me,” she said.
Frustrated, he accuses, “You’re trying to control me. Back off. You want to do something next weekend, we’ll do it.”
“How patronizing! You’ll say anything now, just to get me off your back. I remember the days when you treated me like I was special. You’d do whatever you could to please me. Now, I get the crumbs.”
With that, she stomped out of the room crying.
Guaranteed, last weekend, this type of argument took place all across this great land of ours, leaving each party feeling angry and frustrated.
Who’s at fault here? Who’s critical of whom? How does a wish for a tighter emotional connection leave each party feeling more distant?
In her view, the wife is calling her husband’s attention to the fact that she’s feeling distant from him. This stems from an honest desire to feel more connected. After all, isn’t a loving connection what marriage is all about? But the husband hears her communication as critical and controlling. Who gave her the right to be judge and jury of what he should be doing? If she wants to be closer to him, she sure has a funny way of showing it.
Families can both prosper or wither on communication that is so intertwined. You’re not sure if what is said is a sign of connection, criticism or control. “I only say this because I love you” is a good example of when connecting and criticizing are intricately intertwined.
Being free to say what’s on your mind, sharing your feelings with your spouse, wishing to feel closer — are all good things when viewed through a lens of connection. But when viewed through a lens of control, these very same comments feel like carping, fault-finding and disrespecting one’s choices.
Hence, if you want to be closer to your spouse, know that more communication may not be the answer. Indeed, it often makes things worse. Instead, aim for improved communication.
To achieve this, you need to be aware of how your communication sounds when heard through your own lens (that’s the easy part). And you need to be aware of how your communication sounds when heard through the lens of the other party (not so easy).
You must also be aware of the difference between the message — “I just said, we never have fun anymore.” — and the meta-message — “I want to feel closer to you.” If you ignore the meta-message, don’t be surprised if you find yourself in an emotional minefield, with explosions going off everywhere you step.
None of this is easily done, which is why in every marriage, there’s a place for an interpreter.
Copyright 2009
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and personal coach in private practice who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. For more information about her work, contact her at lsapadin@drsapadin.com or visit her website at http://www.psychwisdom.com/.
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