Linda Sepadin
To reiterate, women generally vocalize the problem first. They want to "work on the marriage." They initiate "getting help." They're disenchanted with the relationship. The woman most often feels emotionally distant, misunderstood, or not appreciated. She is troubled that they do not spend enough time together, or there is little communication, or he doesn't follow through on his promises. Despite the women's gripes, many men are apparently content with their marriages. They don't seek to make any major change. They just wish their wives didn't complain so much. They often don't understand what the problem is. (It seems that not much has changed since Freud quizzically asked, "What do women want?")Generally, a man's initial reaction to a woman's complaint is to defend himself. This is accomplished by either denying what she says ("It's not true.") or admitting it, but creating a palatable reason for it. ("Of course, I want to be with you. But you know how busy I am with work.")In addition to defending himself, he may try to console his wife, believing that he is helping to resolve the problem as he does this. He tries to put things in perspective. He tells her to look at the bright side of things. He says he is trying. He wants her to look at all he has done, not only at what he hasn't done.He masks his emotions, priding himself on his ability to counter her critique in a rational manner. He believes that if he were to react to a female storm of fury, it would only make things worse. Fearing that he'll get angry, lose control, or say things he'll later regret, he says little. Better to remain strong, steadfast and ride out the storm.Oh, if only this approach worked! Unfortunately, however, it more often escalates her grievances. She hates his impenetrability. It's such a barrier! What else could he mean by it other than an arrogant refusal to take her seriously? She feels discounted. Powerless. Helpless. What more can she do to get him to understand what she needs from him? As her frustration escalates, her accusations turn increasingly provocative. She becomes indignant and furious with him. Her resentment, he now realizes, has no expiration date. She stays angry about things that he can barely remember happening. It seems so unfair to him. He doesn't know what to do. But one thing he does know...he cannot respond to her, or reason with her, or even talk to her whenever she goes ballistic like this.From her side, she's not proud of going ballistic, but she feels that he has driven her to it. His accumulated silences. His overcompensating control. His slippery lies. His feeble excuses. What's a woman to do? She's told him so many times what she wants. What she needs. Still, he doesn't get it. He pays more attention to the TV, computer, golf, work, sleep, whatever, than he does to her.What's a couple to do when hurt, anger and resentment permeate their relationship? What does it take to change the dance they do so naturally, despite its unhappy aftermath? For the answer to these questions, be sure to read next week's column: Couples in Conflict: The Way Out
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She can be reached by e-mail at DrSapadin@aol.com. To read additional columns, visit www.psychwisdom.com. Copyright © 2005
