Linda Sepadin
"This week, I will focus on how women typically experience marital conflict. Next week, I'll focus on the men's version."They married and lived happily ever after." Though a woman would never admit to believing in such fairy tale endings, in real life, conflicts often originate and are perpetuated because "the relationship has changed" or "it's not the way it used to be."Women generally perceive the problem first. They want to "work on the marriage." They initiate "getting help." They are vocal with their disenchantment. They've invested so much in the relationship. They want it to be better. Perhaps it's the lack of sexual intimacy. Or feeling emotionally distant. Or feeling misunderstood. Or not being appreciated. Or not spending enough time together. Or lack of communication. Or spending money inappropriately. Or parenting poorly. Or not following through on promises. Or not being trustworthy. She questions why the relationship can't be better. Why doesn't he listen? Why doesn't he spend more time with me? Why doesn't he treat me special, the way he used to? Why doesn't he "get it?"Some days she finds fault with everything he does. Other days she feels she's the one at fault. Maybe she's asking for too much. Maybe she's being too critical. Maybe if she acted differently, he would be different. Perhaps if she didn't confront him about things, he wouldn't be so defensive. Give him hints, rather than keep hounding him. Talk to him lovingly rather than critically. Maybe then, he'll get the message. And she'll stop feeling so lonely, so disappointed. Her frustration increases as she continues to obsess about the problems in the relationship. At times, she feels like a nag, constantly reminding him to do things that he puts off. Other times, she feels like a plaintiff, accusing him of not caring, not understanding, not listening. Then there are the days she feels like his mother, explaining to him what he's doing wrong, scolding him for what he neglected to do. The worst days, however, are those in which she feels like a madwoman, yelling, screaming, crying, silently admitting to herself that she really is out-of-control. She detests being in these roles. It makes her feel awful about herself. Yet, what else can she do?Their communication goes nowhere. They keep reaching an impasse. She feels discounted. Rather than listening to her, he views her as unreasonable, hysterical, excessively critical or a control freak. In response to this, she backs off. But does he address any of the issues on his own? No way! Now she's twice as frustrated. Nothing seems to work. Exasperated, she turns to her friends. They listen to her, they understand her, they support her. They are her allies. Her feelings of craziness recede. She feels better for the moment. Still, there's no resolution in sight. She feels more stumped. And more alienated. It's a struggle to resolve marital conflict. And it's particularly tough when each person has a different perspective on the situation. For more insight, remember to read next week's column -- Couples in Conflict: The Men's Version.Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She can be reached by e-mail at DrSapadin@aol.com . To read additional columns, visit www.psychwisdom.com Copyright 2005.
