By:Linda Sapadin
No matter how old children are, they are often still the source of many a mother's distress.
Doris complains that her 41-year-old daughter does not pay enough attention to her. "She rarely calls and when I call her, she takes her sweet time getting back to me. She complains that I meddle in her affairs when all I'm trying to do is offer helpful criticism. If I say anything to her about how she might improve herself, she thinks I'm being critical."
Similar complaints, with a reversed focus, are often the refrain of the adult child. Here's what Doris' daughter says: "My mother gets me so worked up. She's always comparing me to other people, telling me I should be doing what her friends' daughters are doing. If it's not her way, it's not the right way. She goes on and on with her comments and won't leave me alone. Because I have a cell phone, she thinks I should be immediately available to her, no matter what I'm doing."
If you were a fly on the wall, listening to mother's story and daughter's story, each complaint would have its merits. When daughter grumbles about her mom, her friends see it her way. "You've got a right to live your own life the way you want to. She should back off." Yet, when mom gripes to her friends, she also gets validated. "You've got a right to tell her what you think. After all, you are her mother."
Many parent-child struggles still continue even when the "child" is decades past being a child. Both parties continue to communicate in hurtful ways that stem from a long history of control issues that have shaped the bond. A lot of patterns need to change so that a parent-child relationship can evolve into a mature adult-adult relationship.
Here are a few suggestions:
For parents:
