By: Linda Sapadin, Ph. D.
All right folks. Pay Attention! Today's lesson is all about being able to take and give criticism and make it work for you. Yeah, I know. You wish nobody ever criticized you, because you're "too sensitive" to criticism. Or, you were raised as if you were "special" and every time you did something wrong, you were rewarded for just trying.
Well, welcome to the real world. Here we need criticism from others to understand what's working well and what
could be improved. If we shut ourselves off from criticism, we're practically begging for big problems. If others cannot tell us the truth, minor irritations invariably turn into major resentments.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to hear another person's anger, hurt or criticism without becoming defensive. Of course, it helps if the other person is giving supportive and constructive criticism. But even if he's not, you can, with a good active mind, filter out the negative and take in what you need to hear.
Here's what I mean:
Destructive, harsh criticism typically involves:
-A global, all-encompassing statement, such as :"You never do anything right"; "You always do this to me".
-Guilt-producing accusations, such as: "You don't care about anybody"; "Look at what you made me do".
-Impatience and coercion, such as: "I don't want to hear your excuses"; "If you loved me, you wouldn't do that".
Now here's the tough part. You need to filter out the punitive and manipulative part of the criticism to get to the constructive part which will provide important feedback to you.
Here's a business example:
Customer: "I'm furious. You have the worst customer service in the world. I've been on hold for 20 minutes, then shuttled from person to person and still nobody can answer my question. You people should be out of business."
Customer Service Rep: "I'm truly sorry, sir/madam. I understand how upset you are. We're understaffed at certain times of the day. I apologize for the delay. Please tell me how I can be of assistance to you now."
Even though the customer is rude (often, with good reason), the customer service rep is warm and supportive, short and specific, patient and empathetic and committed to cooperation to achieve a positive outcome.
Now, here's an example of a personal criticism that starts off in a harsh way, yet also leads to a chance to receive honest feedback.
Criticizer: "You never listen. I can't ever count on you. You disappointed me once again."
You: "I'm sorry you're so angry with me. I'm ready to listen. I'd like to know what I did that was so hurtful to you."
Criticizer: "Everything has to be your way. You're so selfish, it's unbelievable".
You: "In what way was I selfish?
Criticizer: "You just are and always have been."
You: "I'd like you to be more specific with me and let's see if we can work together to reach an understanding. I know it might take us time, but you're important to me. I want to hear what you have to say."
Often, the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to get defensive or to simply criticize the criticizer. This strategy, however, results in even more anger, frustration and isolation. Accepting criticism is a lot easier (and very advantageous to your relationships) when you can pay attention to the feedback while ignoring the put-downs.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
