By: Linda Sapadin
These are the kids who think they have to do everything that's expected of them and then some. They try hard to please. They worry a lot about what others think. They are scared to have their own opinion. They have problems making a decision. When told to jump, they ask, "how high?" Many kids are cured of this "overly good" syndrome once adolescence kicks in. Not so, however, for Sharon. Now 44 years old, Sharon says, "I'm first getting to the point where anybody with self-confidence start." Sharon describes her early years this way: "I knew so little about myself. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't listen to the inside of me. I didn't believe that I was entitled to an opinion. Instead, I was always looking for the right answer and that right answer was supposed to come from an authority, someone who was a lot brighter than I was, someone who knew what to do. I lived this way for a long time, but gradually, I had to recognize that my life wasn't working. "I had a sassy, loud-mouthed daughter, a boisterous, know-it-all son and a husband who walked all over me. How do I fit into this family, I wondered. They all had opinions - strong ones, stupid ones, ridiculous ones, but that didn't stop them from voicing their opinions. But there I was still trying to follow the rules. I thought that if I did things the right way, my life would be happy. At some point, I realized I could no longer deny that I was miserable. "A friend suggested that I make an appointment with her psychologist. I reluctantly said yes. I began therapy the same way I began everything else in my life - looking to other people for the answer. I wanted my therapist to make things right for me, to give me the answers. It scared me when she wanted to know what I thought. "It turns out that my therapist did have a lot of the answers for me, but she didn't spoon-feed them to me. She knew I needed to make a transition into a new kind of person - not one who tried so hard to please, not one who passively accepted what somebody else said. It took me a long time to trust that my opinion could be as valid as the next person's. That even though I may not be an expert, I still have my own life experiences that have taught me much. And that what I feel, what I think, and what I want is important." Eventually, Sharon learned that her opinion was not "just" her opinion. She made it a point not to keep silent. She stopped obsessing about whether others would disagree with her or think she was stupid. As she began to speak up, she discovered that it was easier to do so in therapy and with her best friend rather than with her own family. She recognized that her husband and kids were "tough cookies" who were not going to accept her new personality so easily. But Sharon did not give up. She was determined not to be subject to the dictates and whims of what others thought, even when they gave short shrift to what she thought. In some ways, this made life more difficult; in other ways it made life a lot more exciting, more interesting and more complex. This was a tradeoff she was willing to accept as she worked to develop her inner voice.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003
