By: Linda Sapadin
Here are a few ways you might be giving yourself a tough time. 1. Your need for control is out of hand. You are a take-charge person. You know how to do things and can do them quite well. You feel good about your ability to accomplish whatever you set out to do. So what's the problem? Though some folks respect you because of your take-charge attitude, others, often those who are closest to you, find you downright bossy and controlling.You may be confused about this. You don't really understand why they resist doing things the better way. Why can't they just see that your way makes sense? Or that it is easier, more efficient, safer, or just plain right? Yet the more you reiterate how much better it would be if they did it
this way versus
that way, they just don't get it. Or they get it, but they still continue to do things in a stupid, nonsensical way, while you're the one that's left feeling frustrated in this battle of wills. 2. You give more importance to what is wrong than to what is right. You don't think of yourself as being critical. You view yourself as being discerning and discriminating (in a good way). You've got taste and style. You don't mind criticizing yourself so why can't you also critique your loved ones in an effort to motivate them to look their best or do their best. It's not fair that others perceive you as fault finding, nit-picking or disapproving.Why doesn't your spouse value your feedback when you tell him that shirt doesn't look good? Why does your child get so upset when you acknowledge his good grades but then focus on why he's not doing even better and not living up to his potential. Your family is a reflection on you. Shouldn't you want the best from them? It's all so perplexing and tiring. You wish life could be easier. 3. You have a strong need for acceptance and approval. You see nothing wrong with that. Doesn't everyone crave acceptance? Yet, if you're honest with yourself, you admit that you worry more than others do about gaining approval. And you simply can't "just let it go" if someone is upset with you. You are always the first one to say "I'm sorry" (even when you feel you're entitled to an apology) and you work hard to patch up any hard feelings. You've sacrificed a lot. You don't ask for much. You do whatever you can to compromise and avoid conflict. So why can't others give back? Why do you feel so disappointed with people you feel close to? Why can't they give you more? Why aren't they there for you? The resentments and grudges you've built up over the years are increasing. Though you hate to admit it, you often sound like a nag or a martyr (after all I've done for you!). You recognize that something is wrong; this is no way to live. What to do about these three ways you drive yourself bonkers? Though I could write a book about each one of these problems, I shall give you the quick answer and let you fill in the details. 1. The antidote to a strong need for control is to let go. Give up orchestrating other people's lives. Be involved, be caring, but don't be intrusive. Put the focus back on yourself and give yourself a project to accomplish that does not involve fixing other people. 2. The antidote for focusing on what's wrong is to flip the emphasis to what's right. No matter how much you want to find out more about "the problem," bite your tongue. Instead, zero in on what went right - even if it was nothing out of the ordinary. Reinforce and celebrate success. 3. The antidote for an excessive need for acceptance is to put less importance on what others think and more importance on what you think. You may have to figure out what you think, since you've been so involved in pleasing others. Take the time to do just that. Say nice things to yourself. And always, praise yourself when you've done well - even if it's for something quite small.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright 2003
