By: Linda Sapadin
Kim's parents expected nothing less than that their daughter would always do her best in school. Working hard, focusing the mind, behaving virtuously were seen as the keys to attaining success in life. Kim was taught to value respectful learning, honoring those higher than herself. Making a strong effort to do well was viewed as more honorable than getting good grades or having natural ability.
Kim, now 16 years old and born in America, is not so certain her parents' ways are the best for her, but she has no doubt that she has been strongly influenced by their teachings. When asked to describe her mom, Kim replied, My mom is hung up on obeying authority. I don't necessarily see it that way, but I am shocked at how disrespectful some of my friends are. And the way they speak about their parents is really crude. When asked to describe her dad, she replied, He thinks the best way to learn is to practice things over and over and over again. I know his way has made me a better student, but so much repetition is so boring. My dad, however, thinks boring is good. He says the more you repeat, the deeper your understanding.
Contrast Kim's family with Karen's.
Karen's parents believe that the best education is the type that teaches you to think for yourself. Questioning what you are learning and learning from your own experiences are highly valued. Repetitive, boring or meaningless work is viewed as a waste of time. Getting good grades, having friends, being happy are respected as important and valuable goals.
Karen, also 16 years old and a good student, has a reputation for creating dissension in the classroom by questioning teachers' assignments and their teaching methods. She finds most people in authority ignorant and arrogant, but appreciates the few teachers whom she truly respects. When asked to describe her mom, Karen replies, My mom's very understanding. If I have a problem, she listens and appreciates how boring most of my classes are. When asked to describe her dad, she replies, He thinks it's important for me to learn to think for myself. He hates it if I just go along with what other people think. He and I often have a lot of heated discussions on what's right!
Every family is influenced by cultural ideals and assumptions, even when they are not consciously aware of it. These assumptions affect the way children use their minds. I do not believe that there is one best way to learn. Each approach has its strengths and weaknesses. Respectful listening, hard work, critical questioning and self-generated knowledge all have their place.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples.
