Do you share more of your dreams, fears and fantasies with your cyber pal than with your spouse? Do you keep your correspondence with your "friend" a secret? If so, despite having no sexual contact, you may be having an emotional affair.What exactly is an emotional affair? Does it only happen over the Internet? Why should it count as an affair if it's "only" emotional? Can't people of the opposite sex be friends?Though emotional affairs have always existed, they're much more likely to happen now given the ease of meeting and corresponding with people over the Internet. Even though a connection may begin innocently, it can be termed an affair once it goes into overdrive, becoming a "special" relationship that is kept secret from one's spouse.In contrast to friendships, which enrich a couple, emotional affairs drive a wedge between individuals. The energy, attention, support, and intimacy that should flourish between spouses weakens as the intimacy increases with the other party. Pretty soon, it's easy to feel that only this friend "understands you," is "special" or "gives you the attention you deserve." In comparison, your spouse may seem like a bore who is unappreciative of you or a taskmaster who is chronically complaining about one thing or another.Though married people often have friends of both genders, a different dynamic occurs when the friendship is really an emotional affair. The excluding of the spouse from all (or certain aspects of the relationship) creates a pattern of deceit and betrayal. Indeed, if a spouse discovers what's really going on, the response is typically identical to that of finding out about a sexual affair: feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal as well as a sense of multiple losses, especially losing trust, respect, feeling special, safe and secure.If an emotional affair is consuming your time and energy, here are some suggestions for you: Stop lying to yourself. Don't keep saying this is "just a friend" if it has gone beyond friendship. If you're struggling with where to draw the line and have not given up on your marriage, err on the side of caution, not on the side of recklessness. If you seem to have a perpetual need for being "admired," "adored," "put on a pedestal," or "being wooed," know that you may be acting out your own need for unconditional love. Rather than jeopardizing your current relationship, see if you can further explore the insecurities and emptiness that may lie behind these needs. An emotional affair is often a signal that there are matters that need to be addressed within your marriage. Sometimes, it's simply lethargy and laziness that has stripped the enthusiasm and excitement from your primary relationship. Other times, there are more fundamental issues that should be acknowledged and confronted.If you care about maintaining your marriage, don't let an Internet relationship destroy it. In the long run, the rewards you reap will be a lot more gratifying if your best friend is the friend you wake up with in the morning.Copyright 2006.Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She can be reached by e-mail at DrSapadin@aol.com. To read additional columns, visit www.PsychWisdom.com
