By: LINDA SAPADIN
Jeff was a middle-level manager who believed he was on the fast track to success. He had a good job at a design firm that he said he liked. Yet, his work day seemed less than satisfactory. Though he had plenty of work to do, he would find his mind drifting to distractions. He even invited interruptions, like phone calls, drop-in visitors,
long lunches or sudden errands, preferring the novelty of the unexpected break to the tedium of completing the task at hand. Initially, those who worked for him thought of him as a conscientious, caring man. He often said things like, "No matter how busy I am, I'm always available if you need a helping hand." They didn't realize that his offers of help were actually pleas for distraction from his own work.
When Jeff got reprimanded by his boss for not completing a project on time, he excused himself from his failure by saying, "How could he expect just one person to get all that work done in such a short time?" After the reprimand, he kept saying to himself, "Boy, I really need to get busy on this," but somehow, the work just did not get done.
When he was finally let go from his job, he explained his termination as "IT" was a terrible time in the economy. "THEY" had to let me go." In Jeff's mind, the vague "IT" and the ubiquitous "THEY" took the hit for his failure. While outside causes may have been contributing factors, Jeff never acknowledged his own specific contribution to his job loss. He used these excuses to protect his ego, missing another opportunity to get real with himself about his life and how he was managing it. Jeff needed to stop making excuses and start making changes, changes that would produce results. The luxury of excuse-making and denial was killing his dreams and goals.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Dreams are great. They keep you young, fresh, interested in life. But some people, like Jeff, are so good at dreaming that they ignore the necessary work one must do to turn dreams into goals and accomplishments.
Excuses can help you con yourself about what is really going on. Excuses can make your life so foggy that you cannot see the road ahead. Excuses can prevent you from admitting what you need to admit. Of course, it's going to be painful to get rid of your excuses. But once you do, you'll be better off-better off because you will be able to better understand what you need to do to get what you want!
If you, like Jeff, tend to make too many excuses, try something different. Stop the excuses. Have an honest conversation with yourself. If you haven't done something you said you would do, admit it! If you are feeling inadequate or scattered or fearful, admit it! If you are disappointed in your own achievements, admit it! If you feel your relationships are lacking intimacy or excitement, admit it!
As you admit the truth to yourself, I hope you can do it without making the truth sound too critical or awful. You have human faults, like all of us. You don't need to condemn yourself as a "bad person." Perhaps you are lazy, or scared, or jealous. Perhaps you are overweight, or drink too much, or feel insecure. Okay! Own up to what you do and how you feel! You can't change what you're not aware of. Acknowledging the truth can open the door for you to make important life changes.
In the short run, excuses may make you feel better. In the long run, excuses cheat you out of your opportunity to do better for yourself.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
