Fathers' place

To my dismay, I only discovered a few - and those few were not very complimentary. Here's what I mean:"The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf." - Bertrand Russell"That is the thankless position of the father in the family - the provider for all and the enemy of all." - J. August Strindberg"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." (Sounds good, but what about a father's personal involvement with his kids? And what about divorced dads?) - Theodore HesburghThen there were the quotes that were less depressing, but still not the optimistic, soul-stirring expressions I was looking for."To become a father is not difficult, but to be a father is." - Anonymous"It's a wise father who knows his own child." - William Shakespeare "It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." - Anne Sexton "My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." - Clarence KellandI found the last two quotes to be intriguing, as many men and women I've spoken to remember their father in a wistful way, wishing that they knew more about him, regretting the scarcity of communication.I recall Jennifer saying, "My father worked many hours. When he came home, he was exhausted. My sister and I knew we shouldn't bother him. Though he was my dad and I thought of him as a good dad, I never really got to know him well."Mark expressed his regrets this way, "I desperately wanted my father to ask me about what I was up to or how I was feeling. But, my father didn't talk much. Imagine the Marlboro man striking up a conversation about feelings. It never happened. And now it never will. He died last year and now we're out of time. It's such a loss."Carl was angry when he described the "conversations" he had with his father. "They were critical lectures. If I disagreed with him, he was outraged. He could never hear my position and I got tired of listening to his. So we rarely spoke."I suspect that in the future there will be lots of touching, heartrending quotes about fathers for me to choose from. For I feel genuinely touched by many of today's dads who are far more aware and involved with their children than their own fathers were with them.Guys, you've come a long way! You are no longer buying into the code that men must be tough, independent, distant and unemotional. Not only are you leading a richer life for it, but your kids know and appreciate who you are. Happy Father's Day!Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004.) Copyright © 2005