By Linda Sapadin
Sometimes fear can be triggered by a particular situation; at other times it seems to come out of the blue. Whichever one it is, it often leaves people feeling more upset with themselves than they need to be.
An example of the former:
"People think of me as much more confident than I am," said 35-year-old Jason. "I'm fine at work but when I'm with people in a social situation, I get very uncomfortable. I'm terrible at making small talk. My mind goes blank. I can't think of anything to say. I don't listen to people. I just want to get out of there.
"After the fact, I can't stop thinking of how I could have said this or could have said that. I give myself a very hard time. It's so damn frustrating."
An example of the latter:
Usually 12-year-old Jenny had lots of confidence in her ability to ski an intermediate slope, but this time was different. Though she was trying to keep up with her family, she was slowing them down, skiing hesitantly after taking a couple of tumbles. "Come on Jenny," her father shouted. "You can do it! This should be easy for you." But it wasn't. Not that day. Jenny didn't know why but that day, fear took over .
"I'm so upset with myself," cried Jenny, later that afternoon. "I don't know what happened. My heart was beating loudly and I was nervous. I couldn't do anything right. I felt embarrassed that I was slowing my dad down but the more I tried the worse I skied."
When we believe that we should be in control of how well we handle a situation -- and we're not -- we need to accept it. Harsh and unrelenting self-criticism only makes things worse. In life, despite our skills, we cannot predict how well we will handle any given situation on any given day. And despite our competence in general, we cannot be well skilled in all areas of life.
Jenny usually skis intermediate terrain well, but perhaps that day she was tired or cold or distracted. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that that particular morning, she was not skiing well. So what! Better for her (and her family) to accept that she was having an off-day than for her to be so frustrated and embarrassed that she wasn't keeping up.
Jason dooms himself to misery before arriving at any social event. His fear begins in his imagination, not in the situation. His worry about being socially inadequate is wildly exaggerated. Though it's true that he's not an extrovert, it's also true that he can and does chat with people at work about many different topics. When he doesn't feel pressure to socialize, he actually does quite well. However, with pressure, his brain becomes a jumbled mess of anxiety, making it very difficult for him to function at all. Afterwards, rather than being kind to himself, he is his toughest critic.
When you are feeling fearful or frustrated with yourself, remember these three things:
