By Linda Sapadin, Ph. D.
When Debbie and Max wed in 1990, they both agreed that they shared a mutual understanding of each other's emotional needs and personal goals. Now 10 years and two kids later, Debbie wonders whether Max really understands anything at all about her or her life.
Both Debbie and Max work full-time. Though Max definitely helps with child care and with household work, (much more than his dad would ever think of doing), Debbie still feels that she is the
one who is ultimately responsible for everything all the time.
"I am completely snowed under," Debbie complained, "and never have time for myself. Max is busy too, but I notice that no matter how busy he is, he always has time for his tennis game and his computer. Meanwhile, I've given up my tennis game, my yoga course and my evenings out with my friends. I resent it. Max doesn't understand why I get so upset, but my friend Sharon understands just what I'm talking about."
Debbie continued describing her frustration. "When I'm tired, I sometimes get so irritated and annoyed with Max. He gets annoyed back, saying "If you can't handle it, stop working." But that isn't what I want to hear. I don't want to stop working. I just want life to be easier and fairer."
Sometimes, Debbie thinks everything is her fault (why can't I handle it?). Other times, she thinks it's all his fault (why can't he do more?). Either way, the bottom line is-- she feels overworked and overwhelmed. As we worked toward finding some relief for her, she acquired some useful insights.
*Rather than just blaming Max, Debbie increased her understanding of how both of them played a part in her feeling so frustrated. One thing she learned was that Max often didn't offer to help because he perceived her as needing to be the one in control. He was not averse to doing more tasks, provided everything did not need to be done exactly Debbie's way or on Debbie's time. As Debbie eased up a bit on how tasks needed to be done, she discovered Max truly was more helpful.
*Debbie recognized that allowing a problem to fester for a long period of time with silent fury and hidden resentment is not good for anybody. It's a form of avoidance. She needed to speak with Max directly and timely, addressing what was bothering her. She had to speak up, even if she was hesitant about making a fuss or getting him upset.
*Debbie acknowledged that receiving support from a friend is great but it is no substitute for dealing directly with your spouse. Sure, Sharon's support made her feel better momentarily but it didn't solve the problems. Actually, when it stirred up her righteous indignation, it often made things more difficult at home.
*Debbie's view of herself was that she was a caring, loving, easy to talk to person. It shocked her that Max viewed her (at times) as anything but. When she was upset, Max told her, she became hysterical, punitive and judgmental. All he wanted to do then was to run away to his computer. Debbie had never noticed any connection between his time on the computer and her agitation.
If you, like Debbie and Max, are constantly playing the blame game, stop. Instead, see if you can increase your understanding of how both of you contribute to the problem. It helps if you can begin your dialogue with cooperative statements such as, "Let's see how we can make things better" or "I'm sure we can work something out" or "How can I help?"
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
