Gender Speak

Which of these statements frequently spill out of the mouths of men which of women?
1. I have to get it off my chest.
2. Why would I want to talk about it any more?
3. I need to share the details; why can't you listen to me?
4. Skip to the bottom line- no need for all those details.
5. Why can't we spend more time together?
6. "Why can't you just leave me alone?
I bet you got a perfect score. But just in case you're looking for confirmation, here are the answers. Numbers 2, 4, and 6 are men speak; 1, 3, and 5 are women speak.
Yes, men and women really are different, and not just from the waist down. It's our brains that cause most of the problems, as we think, speak and assess situations differently. Indeed, within one marriage there usually exists two marriages Ð his and hers. Sometimes one is happy while the other is miserable. Sometimes one is perplexed while the other is content. Sometimes both are mystified as their differences keep butting up against each other.
n She may have a strong need to talk; he may find all the yackety-yak annoying.
n She may think he's a poster child for spousal deafness; he may think he needs to tune out to survive.
n She may feel isolated when he doesn't chat about his day; he may feel no desire to talk about stuff that happened.
So, what's a couple to do when they are out of sync? A few suggestions:
Appreciate gender differences: If you're telling a story and he insists that you get to the bottom line before you've finished your saga, know that this is not because he's a swine. It's simply a guy thing. And guys, if she needs to tell you every detail of the story it's not because she's a drama queen. It's simply a woman thing.
Lighten up your interpretations: Yup, she asks you a question right in the middle of the most exciting play of the game. Is this because she wants to ruin your day or doesn't give a damn about what you're into? Yup, he leaves his underwear on the floor and the toilet seat up. Is this because he wants you to be his maid or doesn't give a damn about your needs? Perhaps, but it's much more likely that the other person is simply not focused on your needs at that moment. Certainly you don't have to like the behavior, but if you put the worst possible interpretation on it, nothing gets resolved and you feel increasingly distressed and distant.
Avoid cross-complaining: Cross-complaining is what kids do. You hit me. You pushed me first. I pushed you because you called me stupid. I called you stupid because you messed up my game. As every parent knows, this cross-complaining can go on ad nauseam. As adults, we need to do better. Hence, when a grievance is brought to the table, avoid the temptation to counter with your own grievance. Instead, address your partner's issue. Once you reach closure on that, then you can grumble about whatever is bothering you. Or perhaps, by that time, you won't even have a need to do so.
Most couples in conflict focus on what the other person said or did that is bothersome. This approach works when both people can listen and respect each other's differences. If, however, you are stuck at an impasse, change your approach. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to get you going in a different direction:
What's this conflict really about?
What can I do to change?
How can we foster a better understanding of our needs?
How can we work together to become more accepting of our differences?
What satisfying resolutions can we develop for our problems?
Copyright 2008
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior.For more information about her work, contact her at lsapadin@drsapadin.com or visit her website at psychwisdom.com.