Linda Sepadin
Here are a few suggestions:Make a statement about your situation. Instead of those torturous "Why" questions, you might admit, "I regret not choosing a more lucrative career." Or confess that, "I wish I had invested in real estate before everything went sky high." Or, put forth a goal, such as "I'd like to learn more about finances." Notice that rather than blaming, these statements are acknowledgments of how you feel, what you think or what you want.If you feel the need to ask questions of yourself, begin your questions with "What," or "How." For example, "How can I earn more money in my chosen profession?" Or "What type of real estate investments might still be profitable in today's market?" Or "How can I become a better investor in the future?" These questions, unlike the "Why" or "How come" ones, have answers that can really be quite useful.Though you may not be happy with your life situation, it's important to accept that what is, is, (at least for now). You don't have to be happy about it. You don't have to embrace it. But neither should you be looking for that magical "undo" icon that will undo the past, making your mistakes disappear and your past decisions be overturned. Learn from your regrets - don't just blame yourself. Regret can be a call to do better, instead of merely another form of self-punishment. Instead of wallowing in "Why did this happen," pay attention to what you regret so that you can clarify what you'd like to change. Then, take action to improve your situation. Phony "Why" questions are not only torturous for you, they are also detrimental to building good relationships. Think of how grateful your spouse will be if you stop saying, "Why do you always leave the towel on the floor?" or "How come you can never be on time?" Sure these things are annoying to you. But, review this article focusing on how my suggestions might apply to your communication with others as well as to yourself.One more point I'd like to make. There are times in which "Why" questions are not phony. These bona fide questions have bona fide answers. For example, it might be a good idea to ask your accountant, "Why do I need to file this additional tax form?" The answer will give you information that will satisfy your need to know. This is very different from the phony "Why" question in which no answer ever suffices.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004.) Copyright © 2005
