By: Linda Sapadin
Patricia was one of those kids. She was raised by parents who took good care of her physical needs but who were uneducated about psychological needs. As a result, Patricia grew up feeling emotionally needy and starved for attention. When she met her husband, she believed that her life would dramatically change. Her husband would love her, make her the center of his existence, care about what she wanted and make her happy. Today, married and with kids of her own, she is very disillusioned. "Life is not fair!" she proclaimed. "I didn't get loving care from my parents. Now my husband is too busy to give me much of anything. And my kids are demanding more and more of my time. Hey, what about me? When do I get my needs met?"I told Patricia that one of the really nice things about being an adult is that you can give yourself what you didn't get as a child. Some things are obvious. You can stay up as late as you want, eat your favorite foods or buy that jacket that you love but is really too expensive. Other things are not so obvious, but are more significant in the long run. You can give value to your thoughts, respect your feelings and nurture yourself in many different ways.When Patricia heard me say that, she exploded. "Myself! What good is it to give it to myself. I want attention from my husband. I want respect from my kids. I want my mother to think my ideas are good instead of always putting them down. That's not too much to ask, is it?""No," I responded. "It's not too much to ask. And you certainly have every right to request what you want from others. But, be prepared. People can't give to others what they themselves don't have to give. Your husband may have limited time; your kids may be self-involved, and your mother may be so critical that she can't be there for you in the way you would like her to be. So, rather than being constantly angry and sad and unfulfilled, how about if you began to give yourself those things that you never got?" I then helped Patricia take a journey within, asking her to imagine a different existence:Imagine paying attention to yourself - your unique thoughts, feelings and experiences and giving them the respect and consideration they deserve.Imagine encouraging yourself to learn and applauding yourself when you have the courage to do what is difficult.Imagine accepting your mistakes as part of the learning process and never calling yourself "stupid" or "bad."Imagine having a really good day because you've done what you like to do and not feeling guilty or upset. Imagine telling yourself "you're terrific" and feeling really proud of something you've done or made happen. As an adult, you have that power, awareness and sensitivity to satisfy the needy child inside of you. So, give generously, joyously and creatively - to yourself. Taking care of your emotional needs is not selfishness or narcissism. It is simply taking care of yourself.Paradoxically, you may find, as Patricia did, that as she took better care of herself, others took better care of her. It's often strange the way life works out!
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
