By: Linda Sapadin
What's a parent to do?
One answer: Bring back the guilt.
Not an overabundance of guilt: ("I know you're doing something wrong. Mommies know everything.")
Not heavy-handed guilt: ("You're the cause of this family's problems. We're always arguing about you.")
Not unfair guilt: ("Look at what you made me do! I wouldn't have dropped that plate if you didn't get me so nervous.")
But good guilt: ("I asked you to stop playing ball in the house. You didn't listen. And now you've broken a window.") Or ("I asked you where you were going and you deliberately lied to me. I don't lie to you, I don't expect you to lie to me.") Or ("You may not use that word when you are talking to me. This is not the school yard; I am not your friend; I will not be spoken to in such a disrespectful manner.)"
As children get older, developing a sense of guilt becomes even more important because parents have less control over their children in several ways.
One is physically. Though it's no picnic to pick up a screaming 3-year-old and tell him "we're leaving now," you can do it. This physical intervention, however, is not even an option with a 13-year-old.
Two, you have less leverage in punishing your child. No problem finding a punishment for your 4-year-old. But with your 14-year-old, it's not so easy. No matter what you take away from them, they will probably go to a friend's house and do it there. Or find another parent to drive them to where they want to go. Or borrow money from a friend.
Three, you have less leverage in making your punishments stick. If your 5-year-old refuses to pick up her toys, you may decide not to read her a bedtime book. But what do you do when she's 15 years old and you punish her with "no computer." Often that means more tension and more work for you in monitoring the punishment. And when you catch her on the computer, if she's not feeling guilty that she didn't adhere to the punishment, she'll put you on the defensive, making you feel guilty for checking up on her.
There are many situations in which children, like adults, should feel guilty. Healthy guilt encourages kids to act in a way that is responsible -- that does not cause intentional harm or hurt to others or to themselves. If kids have internalized guilt, they can monitor their own behavior so that mom and dad don't have to be policing them every second of the day.
A kid without good guilt will show no remorse for inappropriate behavior and most likely will turn the tables on others, blaming them for everything.
A kid with neurotic guilt will feel guilty about everything, much of which has absolutely nothing to do with him.
A kid with appropriate guilt will care if he has messed up or if you are angry or disappointed in him for something he should have done.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2002
