By Linda Sepadin
But as with everything else that is good in life, guilt can be overdone."I almost always feel guilty about something. At times, it's what I've done; other times it's what I haven't done," bemoans Lisa. "I know it sounds crazy, but I can even feel guilty about feeling guilty. Help!" Lisa is not alone with this syndrome. For reasons that I won't go into here, the guilt syndrome occurs more frequently with women than with men. For many women, it emanates from trying to combine work with mothering. Beth explains, "When I'm at work, I feel guilty that I'm not with my kids. And when I'm with my kids, I feel guilty that I'm not working. It drives me crazy. I notice, however, that for my husband it's very different. He feels absolutely no guilt about going to work and leaving the kids. It's just what he does. And when he's home, he's not obsessing about his work. He eats dinner, helps the kids with their homework, does a couple of tasks around the house, then relaxes in front of the TV. I wish life could be that simple for me."The guilt syndrome does not only relate to working mothers. Meet Dara, a devoted stay-at-home mom, who says that guilt is her constant companion. "I'm with my kids a lot. I want to give them the best of everything. But I feel guilty that I'm not disciplining them enough. I've spoiled them. It's not unusual for me to feel irritable and resentful because they expect so much from me. But I know I set it up that way. And so I blame myself."If your guilt is out of control, what can you do to change the pattern? Here are some ideas:
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Cast Off Those Impossibly High Expectations - Guilt feeds on perfectionism. Self-reproach is fueled by impossibly high expectations. Lowering those expectations is not the same as giving in to mediocrity. It is accepting that people (including you) are not flawless, that people (including you) make mistakes and that situations (even those that you've worked on diligently) do not always work out as expected.
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Get Rid of the Approval Trap - Stop trying so hard to make others happy. No matter how much effort you put in, some people will still complain, criticize or be dissatisfied. This does not mean you did anything wrong. Nor do you need to feel guilty about their unhappiness. As a kid, you probably thought that whenever your parents were dissatisfied, it was all about you. Only through the magic of maturity do you get to appreciate that it's more about them, than about you.
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Don't Take Yourself So Seriously - Sure, you're a responsible person and you want to do a good job. But, unless you keep that responsibility in check, you'll be constantly haunted by guilt. Healthy guilt requires attention but neurotic guilt deserves no more attention than background noise. Put the healthy part of you in charge. Firmly tell your guilt to "Take a hike", "Stop torturing me", "Go away", "Cool it"! Then turn your attention to something more self-affirming. For example, reflect on three actions you took that you are proud of. Tape that list to your bathroom mirror. Look at it. Then smile. Hear your nurturing voice telling you, "You're fine. I accept you exactly the way you are." As you take in the warmth and acceptance of your heart, feel yourself letting go of the guilt and regret. A quote from Nicholas Rowe - "Guilt can be an avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings." Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better! Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004.) Copyright © 2005
