By TIFFANY RAZZANO
Eventually, the Stillwells were able to constructively channel this pain, not only helping themselves, but other bereaved parents across Long Island as well, when they formed the Rockville Centre chapter of the Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who have lost a child.
For months, all Elaine Stillwell had to help her cope with her grief were the many books on the topic that she read. "I didn't know anything about grieving," she said. "I just read books. And they saved my life. They were my lifeline." In one of these books, she stumbled upon information about the Compassionate Friends, which is an international organization. "It showed me that I wanted to meet other bereaved parents."
Discovering there was a large Babylon chapter of the group, Stillwell decided to check it out. Unfortunately, with no leader, that chapter was in the midst of a transition. Stillwell expected over 100 people at that meeting, but there were only six. When she got home that night, she and her husband decided to start a chapter closer to home.
They held their first meeting on Oct. 9, 1987 at Molloy College, where the meetings are still held, expecting maybe 10 people to come. Thirty-six bereaved parents came to that first meeting. Molloy moved them to a bigger room the next month.
The first meetings were difficult, but the group would play tapes on different topics related to grieving and share their experiences so that they could learn from each other. "We were as newly bereaved as those who came to our group," Stillwell said. "It was the blind leading the blind."
Stillwell is overjoyed by how much the Compassionate Friends has helped bereaved parents over the years. "It feels good to see someone who came in crying their brains out, walk out smiling," she said. "It means they engaged in something. They got something out of it."
She says it takes courage to come to the first meeting, knowing all too well how hard it is to cope with losing a child. "The first time you sign in, it's hard to write your child's name and death date," she said.
"Compassionate Friends, to put it best, saved my life," said Barbara Perrin, an active member of the group, who lost her son in 2001. "I didn't think I'd be able to go on without my son. I felt totally hopeless. ... [The group] gave me the tools that showed me how to face the next day. ... When you walk into that room, you know everyone understands [how you feel.]"
Bereaved parents welcome the opportunity to speak about their children, Stillwell says. Parents speak openly about them, telling stories, sharing their child's interests and hobbies, and celebrating their birthdays. "People think that after you lose a child, you don't honor your child's birthday, but you do," she said. "Members are thrilled to have a place to talk about their child. It's always very heartfelt. You get to know everybody's child."
"It gives us a way to celebrate our child's life," Perrin said. Parents will bring cake and other snacks to each meeting, especially on their child's birthday. Stillwell says while families grieve and cry at these meetings, there is also a good deal of laughter and sharing.
The Stillwells list their home phone number as the Compassionate Friends phone number. Joe is often the one who mans the phone and gets a number of calls from new families each week. "I warn them, 'Don't be surprised if when you walk in, it looks like a party,'" he said. "I tell them, 'This is a celebration.'"
Today, more than 70 people come to each meeting. There are anywhere from two to nine newly bereaved families each month, Elaine Stillwell said. "People come and expect a cozy support group, but we have so many people we can't even sit in a circle," she said. Since its first meeting, the group has helped more than 1,500 families.
Over the years, Stillwell has become an expert on the topic of bereavement. She was named the bereavement coordinator for the Diocese of Rockville Centre, has spoken at numerous conferences around the country and was asked by ACTA to write a book called "The Death of a Child." She has also published two children's books on the topic of grieving.
For more information on the Compassionate Friends of Rockville Centre, which is celebrating its 20th anniversary this month, go to www.tcfofrvc.org.
Comments about this story? TRazzano@liherald.com or (516) 569-4000 ext. 221.
