Linda Sepadin
We tend to pride ourselves on being logical. We have common sense. We know what is right. We've given it a lot of thought. Sounds good. The only problem is that in most situations, it's simply not true.Many of the decisions we make are largely influenced by feelings, though we use logic to then rationalize what we've decided. Here are two examples:1.You've decided that your friend is selfish and you no longer wish to see her. She didn't call when you were sick. (Your feelings of loneliness and abandonment have absolutely nothing to do with it; it's just common sense that a friend is no friend if you can't rely on her to be there for you.)Investing in mutual funds just doesn't make sense. Their fees are way out of line. Better to keep your money in an index fund or in the bank. (Hating to be taken advantage of has absolutely nothing to do with your decision; you're simply being financially savvy.)Clearly, the interpretations we make pass through an emotional filter, which in turn influences our behavior. Any of these examples sound familiar?2.You flew into a rage when your spouse said something to you, which, when considered several days later, didn't seem to be such a big deal. You resent when your mother tells you what to do. It's obvious she's trying to "control you." She should stay out of your business. Yet, when she does just that and you want her to bail you out, you interpret her backing off as "emotional abandonment."After the fact, we can see that such interpretations are highly swayed by emotions. Yet, when we are in the midst of the experience, we are absolutely certain, without a shred of evidence, that our interpretations and decisions are right. And if anyone questions us, we don't rethink our position. Instead, we tend to dig our heels in, complaining that "you just don't understand." It's not easy to respond logically when our brains are wired to respond emotionally. It's not easy for us to think clearly when our emotions demand expression. It's not easy to take into account all factors in the split second that we have to act, when logic takes time.So what's a person to do? Here are a few ideas: Give yourself time. Before you make an important decision, remind yourself (and others) that you don't need to respond right away. A response built on a solid foundation of thought is invariably better than one that is purely impulsive. Think about alternatives. Consider the consequences.Before you blow a gasket, check out what the other person means. You may be making an interpretation that is not true or only partially true. Let your intellect triumph over your need to be right.Question your impulse to be absolutely right about what you know. Just as sure as "you know" something, there is someone on the other side of an issue who also "knows" (with great certainty) something else. Entertain the idea that there are several ways to interpret the "facts."Acting on feelings without facts tends to result in a chaotic life. Acting on facts without feelings tends to result in an overly ordered life. When making decisions (especially significant ones), be sure you give importance to both feelings and facts.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004.)© Copyright 2005.
