By: Linda Sapadin
In contrast, loving one another for a lifetime is complicated and anything but magical. Indeed, it is quite an achievement to still love someone despite all the hassles of daily life, all the tensions, all the conflict, all the disappointments, all the idiosyncrasies, all the quirks that you will bring to bear on one another. Time can change relationships so dramatically that it's not unusual for one to wonder "how did my love morph into this person who is so different now?" or "who is this person I married?" Here are two examples of how things changed in Alan and Beth's relationship: When they were in their romantic phase, Alan and Beth knew they were so right for each other. Each one listened to the other, supported one another and seemed to know just what to say or do when one of them was feeling badly. Over time, however, this pattern changed. Here's one example: Alan came home from work complaining about how difficult his day was. He anticipated a caring and nurturing response from Beth. Beth, however, had had her own stressful day and had precious little energy left over for nurturing. So rather than even give one small acknowledgment to Alan's complaint, she said with impatience, "You think you had a tough day; you should have been in my shoes." Then she recounted a bunch of annoying things that happened to her that day. At this point, Alan wasn't in any mood to be empathetic. When Beth responded with a "cross-complaint", it set the stage for both parties to feel neglected, unappreciated and misunderstood. When a complaint is initiated, it needs to be recognized --at least a little bit. Then empathy can be redirected toward the other person's problems. When couples fall into the pattern of cross-complaining, it is worlds away from the reassuring, comforting, loving responses of romantic love. Here's another example of how Alan and Beth's romantic love vanished over time. Beth used to turn to Alan for support whenever she got into a fight with her mother. Alan was pleased to be a strong shoulder for Beth to lean on. Over time, however, Alan became annoyed with Beth's ongoing helplessness.. He wanted her to be strong enough to put an end to these conflicts; Beth, on the other hand, just wanted to be accepted the way she was. (Isn't it funny how a trait that you initially like about your lover can eventually drive you crazy?) Alan's lack of support and encouragement was very disappointing for Beth. After awhile, she began to withdraw from Alan, feeling angry and alienated from the man who used to be her soul mate. Though it may not be possible to sustain romantic love over a lifetime, it is very possible to sustain a strong, loving relationship. Each time you make a choice to listen rather than cross complain, to accept rather than criticize, you are choosing to strengthen your relationship and, in the process, keep some of those romantic feelings alive.
© Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. Copyright 2002s
