Linda Sepadin
How do you handle a difficult person? What can you say to someone when you are vehemently opposed to what they believe? How can you avoid getting into a shouting match, responding with cheap shots that bring you down to the level of a 10-year-old?Here are a few suggestions:First a few don'ts that will help you avoid typical tactics that make things worse:Don't name-call.Don't curse.Don't get enraged.Don't go on the offensive in a disrespectful manner. ("Your thinking is all screwed up.")Don't exaggerate what the other person said. ("So, you think anybody who takes drugs should be locked up forever.")Don't answer setup questions. ("You think people should be allowed to get away with doing terrible things and not get punished?") Don't expect to change another person's mind. You probably won't. Trying to get them to "get it" can make things more frustrating for you.Now a few do's that will help you make your point whether or not the other person "gets it."Be curious about how the other person thinks. Find out how he came to this position. Sometimes, it all makes sense once you understand someone's background and experience. ("What makes you feel so strongly about this issue?") Look for a point of agreement. Even if you differ strongly on 90 percent of things, there's probably something that you can both agree on. If so, state it respectfully. ("At least, we both recognize that this is a serious matter.")Make your point with a statement, not a question. You do not need to go on the offensive or be on the defensive. ("The way I look at it is....." )Tell a personal story that illustrates your point. People tend to soften when they listen to personal stories. ("My father was in Vietnam and this is what he told me.......")Frame your position in a way that makes sense to you rather than argue from the other person's position. ("I'm not against disciplining children. I'm for letting kids learn from their own mistakes.)Be calm or be passionate. Be logical or be emotional. But do not lose control or spew venom. Acknowledge that there are no simple answers to complex issues.End your conversation before it deteriorates to an argument that you may later regret. ("We clearly see things differently. It doesn't look like we're going to change each other. So, let's agree to disagree.) Then segue into a different topic.We are often under the illusion that if only the other person understood the facts, understood how we feel, understood our experience, they'd embrace our position. Then when they don't, we become frustrated. Keep in mind that people have their own version of "the facts," their own version of the way "you should look at things." Particularly when you are arguing with a difficult person, simply state your feelings, beliefs and position and then let go. Recognize that others see the world differently. You do not have the power to change them.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004.) Copyright © 2005
