How to become a more confident parent

Indeed, to parents who are struggling with self-doubt, struggling to figure out how to maintain a modicum of discipline, everything about the modern family can seem topsy-turvy.In today's family, the kids, propped up by their sub-culture, seem to have more personal power than the adults. The parents, on the other hand, often feeling alone in the world, are on the defensive, trying hard to uphold their values and principles. It's not unusual for today's parents to be unsure about what to do, what to say, how to behave, how to punish, while their offspring have no hesitation telling their parents about how unfair, irrelevant, hypocritical or stupid their rules and punishments are. To make matters worse, a kid will often counter their parents' attempts to be in control with rudeness, cursing, interrupting and what might be best described as "having an attitude."As I wrote in my column last week, it's not easy for parents to know what to do when you feel that nothing you ever do makes a difference. Or, that no matter how you punish your kid, he seems not to care, responding with a "so what" attitude. Though it's not easy to improve a troubled relationship, it is possible to do so. And I'm here to offer you a few tips on how to become a more confident parent. But first, two caveats. One, do not expect change to happen right away. Two, lots of strategies work some time; hardly any work all the time.1. Do not let your child treat you with disrespect. This is #1 for a reason. You can't get very far in feeling more confident, if your kid is treating you like dirt. If your darling is shooting off at the mouth, saying things that in a million years you would never even think of saying to your parents, stop whatever you are doing! Do not continue to engage your child. Don't reason with him, explain things to him or punish him. Don't take the low road, treating him the way he is treating you. Instead, disengage and say something like, "I will not talk to you when you talk to me in that manner. If you want to tell me something, you'll have to find another way of doing it." If your child backs off or apologizes, congratulations! You've made progress. But if you child continues his diatribe, walk away. If he follows, go to a place where you can lock the door and tell him, "I will be happy to speak with you, just as soon as you can speak to me with respect." 2. Become a person to your child, not just a busy, upset parent. If your family is overly child-centered, your marital relationship has probably suffered and you are most likely feeling burned out. Acknowledge that it's time to change the focus. Instead of having the conversation always focused on your child's activities, homework, grades, clothes, tell your child something about your day. And make it interesting! If all you can talk about is the chores you have done or resent doing, you will sound like a drone to your kids. Instead, talk about a skill you are developing, an interest you are nurturing, someone you met, something you and your spouse are planning. If you can't think of any of those things, then perhaps it's time to think about, as the kids put it, "getting a life."3. Do not create a punishment when you are out of control. If your anger has escalated and you are out of control, do not spew out a punishment. You will most likely regret that you've said: no TV for a month, no computer for 2 weeks, no allowance forever. The reason: You'll find these punishments hard to enforce; and if you don't enforce them, you'll be reinforcing your own weakness and bolstering your kids' assumption that they can blow you off. The best punishment is created after you've had a chance to think about it. Try to be creative in your punishment and make it logical, educational, and something you can enforce. For instance, which do you think is a better punishment for staying out late: no TV or writing an essay as to why curfews exist and then discussing it?4. Fake it till you make it. Should you scold your child about the way she keeps her room or just let it be? Should you let your kid stay home from school when he complains of a headache or tell him to go anyway, because he'll feel better as the day goes on? I don't know the answer to these questions, but I do know that you need to make a decision and not always second-guess or constantly torture yourself whether it was the "right" decision or not. Sometimes it doesn't matter if it's the "right" decision. You just need to make one. This is not to say that you need to come across like a tough guy, with no room for negotiation or input. But it does mean that if your child perceives you as indecisive or constantly reversing your decisions, you lose power and your child gains power. Don't be afraid to fake it till you make it, even if you're not feeling that confident inside. © Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright 2003