By: Linda Sapadin
Oh, utopia! It's so pleasant to fantasize about it, but let's get real. In the real world, people complain, groan, bellyache and grumble. And that's on their good days! When they have an ax to grind or wake up filled with anger, you can be assured that they will blame, insult, humiliate and ridicule. And you may be the person whom this cantankerous person dumps on. What to do when you are the object of an insult, a put-down or an offensive remark? Most people know only a few ways to respond. They are: 1. Defend yourself and explain why it's not true. 2. Justify yourself and explain why you did what you did. 3. Go on the offensive, attacking the other person for attacking you. 4. Say nothing, even though you are devastated inside. Although these responses may seem adequate, they often only lead to further frustration. Defending or justifying yourself may feel like you're playing a losing game - especially if you're speaking to someone who isn't listening. Going on the offensive may not be your style and may result in you feeling guilty or regretful. Being outwardly silent but inwardly devastated has terrible long-term consequences. Hence, it's a good idea to develop additional ways to respond to people who are behaving badly. Here are a few I recommend:1. Agree with the statement, but disagree with the negative value judgment.
"Yes, I do work slowly. But I prefer to work slowly and do it right rather than quickly and mess it up. "2. Don't focus on what the person said (the content) but respond to the process (what's happening here).
"It sounds like you're uptight today. What's happening?"3. Agree that you did something wrong, apologize, but don't make it so awful.
"I agree it would have been better if I had called earlier to cancel. I'm sorry I didn't. "4. If you can find any humor or lightness in the situation, use it.
"You think of me as an ass; I think of myself as an asset. "5. Disagree with what the person said but try to understand what's annoying him.
"I don't think there's anything wrong with what I did. But let's talk about it more so I can understand what I do that is distressing to you. "6. Focus on enlightening the other person about your sensitivities
"I get hurt when you speak to me that way. You may think there's nothing wrong with it, but it feels abusive to me. "7. Offer the person another way of saying what he said, one that is less painful to you.
"Speak about me as "sensitive," but not "overly sensitive. "8. Communicate to the person about what's upsetting you. Make it simple. Don't go on and on about it. Say it once and let it be.
"Perhaps you're unaware of how harsh your tone of voice is. "A good response to a put-down is one in which you maintain your integrity while still communicating something valuable to the other person and constructive to the continuation of the relationship.
Linda Sapadin, Ph. D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2003
