Wouldn’t it be great if people went out of their way to appreciate what you did right instead of picking on you for what you did wrong?
Wouldn’t it be fantastic if people supported and encouraged you, nixing the insults and criticisms?
Before you remind me how starry-eyed my fantasy is, let me enjoy my moment of reverie!
Okay, I’m back to earth. I’m ready to live in the real world where people blame and criticize all the time. And that’s on their good days! When they really have an ax to grind, they also insult, curse, humiliate and ridicule. You, no doubt, will be exposed to these kinds of put-downs from time to time.
How should you handle such situations?
Most people are familiar with only four retorts:
Respond defensively, explaining why the criticism is not valid.
Respond defensively, justifying why you needed to do what you did.
Respond offensively, attacking the attacker.
Say nothing, even if you’re stewing inside.
Such retorts sometimes work, but more often transition into attack and counter attack, blame and shame. Increasing your repertoire of responses will enable you to feel more secure that you can handle any criticism that somebody throws at you. Here are a few suggestions to aid you in this endeavor:
Agree with what’s been said, but disagree with the negative value judgment.
“Yes, I’ve been working slowly on this project, but I prefer to work slowly. My aim is to create a quality product rather than one that will need many revisions.”
Respond to the process (what’s happening) not to the content (the specific words that have been said).
“I can see you’re uptight today. Did something happen that you want to share with me?”
Agree that you did something wrong, apologize, but don’t make it into an earthshaking event.
“Yes, I should have called earlier to cancel. I’m sorry I didn’t. I apologize. Let’s see if we can make another date.”
Disagree with the other person but try to understand his viewpoint.
“I don’t believe I did anything wrong. But I know you’re upset. Tell me more about what’s troubling you, so I can fully understand.”
Enlighten the other person about your sensitivities.
“I get hurt when you speak to me with that tone of voice. You may think there’s nothing wrong with it, but it feels patronizing to me.”
Offer the person another way to phrase what he said.
“I don’t mind if you call me ‘sensitive.’ It’s the ‘overly sensitive’ that bothers me.”
Communicate succinctly about what’s upsetting you. Often, the less you say, the more powerful your words are.
“What you just said to me is totally unacceptable. You know I don’t deserve to be treated that way.”
In those situations in which you’ve been unjustly criticized, try to respond confidently and firmly, communicating valuable and constructive information to the other person.
If you wish to learn additional communication skills, join me at my seminar on “Listening Well: A Crucial Aspect of Communication”, on Sunday, April 2, 1:30-3:30. For more information, call Hofstra University at 516 463-5993, or ucce@hofstra.edu.
© Copyright 2006: Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She can be reached by e-mail at DrSapadin@aol.com. To read additional columns, visit www.psychwisdom.com
